echoes and voices

This is supposed to be my celebration of a fabulous Christmas post. It just wasn't. It was ok. It was not painful. There was no unpleasantness. It was just empty in many ways. It's not that I'm greedy... but single moms don't get much for Christmas. It's not that the people in my life aren't generous and thoughtful. It's just a different stage of life for me. When you don't have a significant other, you don't get much for Christmas. My kids haven't quite gotten to the stage of obligatory gift giving. It's not about gifts... it's about feeling like I'm permanently entrenched in the sorority of the have-nots that makes it a little disappointing. There are a lot of great people in my life. I just don't exchange gifts with most of them.

I realize that I'm struggling with the sin of jealousy. I'm jealous of women who have long term committed marriage partners. My husband didn't so much as text me today. I sent him a text... all he had to do was respond... I guess he has to twist the knife a bit deeper, drive the point home... he won't file for divorce but he won't do anything even remotely resembling acting like a husband.

My children's father didn't call today. Austin called him over and over again. We had planned for Austin to go stay with his father for a week to ten days. Austin was packed... we had logistics worked out... and his dad couldn't so much as answer the phone to talk to his child. Austin, bless his heart, kept making excuses for him. "His phone hasn 't been working, maybe he isn't getting our calls". "It's Christmas Day - he knows you're planning to come over, he should be the one to call YOU". He's the parent. Why should my 14 year old son spend his Christmas day desperately trying to contact his father?

And for me... after not getting child support, I was hoping that at least he'd take Austin for a bit, saving me money on food. I don't have enough money left to get us to my next pay day. I'm slipping further and further behind on things. I don't know how to catch up. I can't work more. I'm not selling. Apparently Austin's dad is going into deep hiding mode... and it's going to require court action to get him to pay. I am ready to do that... but of course, that means more money and more time off work.

And my date today. Well. It just didn't work out. I had prayed that if I wasn't ready, if this wasn't meant for this time of my life, if I wasn't meant for this relationship, that it would't work out. Barry and I texted back and forth all morning... andthen when it came time to meet up - no contact from him. Between Austin's disappointment and my suspicion that Barry was going to stand me up... I decided to head back to the mountains. Barry finally sent me a text, "won't be able to make it" more than two hours after we were supposed to meet. I'm not ready to date yet. I thought I was... but I'm not stable enough to weather these kind of disappointments. I haven't recovered from the last insensitive male force in my life. I can't risk contact with another.

Austin is struggling... I feel bad for him... he was so looking forward to seeing his dad. If it's at all possible, I'll have him head down with mom and dad after Jamie's birthday party on Saturday.

That's next up in my "Best Aunt Ever" series... Jamie's Butterfly Birthday party. My Jamie-doll will be 4 on monday! Her birthday party is Saturday. Jamie and I came up with the idea of the butterfly party not long after I got to the mountains. I was babysitting her - actually - it was the first time I had been alone since my suicide attempt and I was scared to death. I knew, however, that if any one person on the face of this earth had the power to keep me from hurting myself it was Jamie. We talked... we sang... we danced... we played on the playground and watched yellow jackets buzzing through the clover. We saw a butterfly... it was a precious moment in time for me... finding the will to live in the love I had for that beautiful, animated little girl.

Angie called and I really struggled to keep from having a meltdown. There is the question, "Did you have a good Christmas?". Well. No. I really didn't. That big magnifying glass hit and I was reminded of just how alone I am and it just sucks. But it seemed unfair to hit her with my sadness when she was having such a great day. The girls are spending the night with their Grammy and Gramps (Angie's parents). Angie works so hard to make me feel included, loved... she is the one who would know if something happened to me.... the one who keeps me from being the "smell coming out of a quiet apartment"...

There were lots of nice things over the past two days... Christmas Eve service... hanging with the family yesterday... going to my aunt's house today... spending time with Bryan and Candice... having Ryan around... I got the Jon and Kate Plus 8 book and read it this afternoon. Candice got me a book "You Are What You Eat" and it's about adopting a healthy nutritional routine. I'm anxious to learn this and give my diet an upgrade. I'm ready to get back in shape.

I'm ready for a cleansing... a detox... a fresh start... New Year is going to be a welcome sight.

Time for bed... love and hugs, y'all....