My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

echoes and voices

This is supposed to be my celebration of a fabulous Christmas post. It just wasn't. It was ok. It was not painful. There was no unpleasantness. It was just empty in many ways. It's not that I'm greedy... but single moms don't get much for Christmas. It's not that the people in my life aren't generous and thoughtful. It's just a different stage of life for me. When you don't have a significant other, you don't get much for Christmas. My kids haven't quite gotten to the stage of obligatory gift giving. It's not about gifts... it's about feeling like I'm permanently entrenched in the sorority of the have-nots that makes it a little disappointing. There are a lot of great people in my life. I just don't exchange gifts with most of them.

I realize that I'm struggling with the sin of jealousy. I'm jealous of women who have long term committed marriage partners. My husband didn't so much as text me today. I sent him a text... all he had to do was respond... I guess he has to twist the knife a bit deeper, drive the point home... he won't file for divorce but he won't do anything even remotely resembling acting like a husband.

My children's father didn't call today. Austin called him over and over again. We had planned for Austin to go stay with his father for a week to ten days. Austin was packed... we had logistics worked out... and his dad couldn't so much as answer the phone to talk to his child. Austin, bless his heart, kept making excuses for him. "His phone hasn 't been working, maybe he isn't getting our calls". "It's Christmas Day - he knows you're planning to come over, he should be the one to call YOU". He's the parent. Why should my 14 year old son spend his Christmas day desperately trying to contact his father?

And for me... after not getting child support, I was hoping that at least he'd take Austin for a bit, saving me money on food. I don't have enough money left to get us to my next pay day. I'm slipping further and further behind on things. I don't know how to catch up. I can't work more. I'm not selling. Apparently Austin's dad is going into deep hiding mode... and it's going to require court action to get him to pay. I am ready to do that... but of course, that means more money and more time off work.

And my date today. Well. It just didn't work out. I had prayed that if I wasn't ready, if this wasn't meant for this time of my life, if I wasn't meant for this relationship, that it would't work out. Barry and I texted back and forth all morning... andthen when it came time to meet up - no contact from him. Between Austin's disappointment and my suspicion that Barry was going to stand me up... I decided to head back to the mountains. Barry finally sent me a text, "won't be able to make it" more than two hours after we were supposed to meet. I'm not ready to date yet. I thought I was... but I'm not stable enough to weather these kind of disappointments. I haven't recovered from the last insensitive male force in my life. I can't risk contact with another.

Austin is struggling... I feel bad for him... he was so looking forward to seeing his dad. If it's at all possible, I'll have him head down with mom and dad after Jamie's birthday party on Saturday.

That's next up in my "Best Aunt Ever" series... Jamie's Butterfly Birthday party. My Jamie-doll will be 4 on monday! Her birthday party is Saturday. Jamie and I came up with the idea of the butterfly party not long after I got to the mountains. I was babysitting her - actually - it was the first time I had been alone since my suicide attempt and I was scared to death. I knew, however, that if any one person on the face of this earth had the power to keep me from hurting myself it was Jamie. We talked... we sang... we danced... we played on the playground and watched yellow jackets buzzing through the clover. We saw a butterfly... it was a precious moment in time for me... finding the will to live in the love I had for that beautiful, animated little girl.

Angie called and I really struggled to keep from having a meltdown. There is the question, "Did you have a good Christmas?". Well. No. I really didn't. That big magnifying glass hit and I was reminded of just how alone I am and it just sucks. But it seemed unfair to hit her with my sadness when she was having such a great day. The girls are spending the night with their Grammy and Gramps (Angie's parents). Angie works so hard to make me feel included, loved... she is the one who would know if something happened to me.... the one who keeps me from being the "smell coming out of a quiet apartment"...

There were lots of nice things over the past two days... Christmas Eve service... hanging with the family yesterday... going to my aunt's house today... spending time with Bryan and Candice... having Ryan around... I got the Jon and Kate Plus 8 book and read it this afternoon. Candice got me a book "You Are What You Eat" and it's about adopting a healthy nutritional routine. I'm anxious to learn this and give my diet an upgrade. I'm ready to get back in shape.

I'm ready for a cleansing... a detox... a fresh start... New Year is going to be a welcome sight.

Time for bed... love and hugs, y'all....

12 comments:

cw2smom said...

I am so sorry that things didn't go so well this year! Keep in mind that this too shall pass. It's only one Christmas of many in your life! Sounds like a guy that sends you a text message two hours after you were supposed to meet, isn't worth your time. Perhaps that is a good thing at this time in your life hon! Hang in there! There are better times a comin'! Love, Lisa

Tina said...

yes, the single parent christmas does have a few... holes. I have had some moments today myself. sometimes, I am not able to find that silver lining. There is a lot of power in positive thinking but I can't always deliver.

On the other hand, you (and I) have come a long way down the road and have a long way to go. Only One knows what is up ahead. And He will decide when it is time to let us know.

file those papers. it want be fast but once the ball is rolling, it will take some stress off of you.
hugs
tina

Beth said...

I'm with Tina. Don't wait for him to file, go ahead and file for divorce yourself. That's what I did. Why wait?

The dude who stood you up? Fuggedaboudim. Rude rude rude and there is no excuse.

Look ahead to the coming year with bright eyes and know that good things are going to happen for you.

Hugs, Beth

Myra said...

It'll take money, but you need to file for divorce if he won't. Its almost a punishment...he won't do it, yet he doesn't want you. That is a stark realization. As for Barry, when you guys dated before, even then, there was that cloak of secrecy surrounding your relationship. He'll say due to this or that, but when someone loves you, wholly and fully, he will risk anything to be with you. Heather, you are so worth someone's time and love. He just hasn't come into your life yet, or if he has, you don't know it yet. Barry is a step backwards. Do not go there again. You've already been there. Take care...

Mary said...

(((((heather)))))

Remo said...

One person wanting out of the relationship is enough. File on his apathetic ass and cut him loose. It's been almost a year since I gave mine the "Felix Unger" heave-ho and if I hadn't filed on her my sons and I would probably still be in limbo. I refused to give any more control over my life to a person who didn't care about my welfare. My papers are finally on the Judge's desk and the New Year will bring me resolution and a fresh start.
I'd also ask your friend point-blank what happened. He owes you that much.

Julie said...

That is horrible of your X to leave Austin waiting on Christmas. That has to be heartbreaking to watch. I also feel bad for you being so lonely on Christmas. I am sure that things will look up in the future for you. I think being lonely is better than being in the situation you were in last year. Keep your chin up the New Year is just a few more days away!! I'll join you in getting back in shape. Julie

Peaceful Epiphany said...

Heather,
Sorry your Christmas day wasn't what you were expecting it would be. I think things happened that you didn't expect and that sucked. Just remember: This was the FIRST. The NEXT one will be a lot different.

I got your text LATE last night my time...I didn't have my phone with me yesterday. After I went up to bed is when I got it and by then, it was past midnight east coast time. I missed a call from my sister and a couple other text messages too. LOL. I totally forgot to pick it up when the kids woke us up yesterday morning. SORRY for not texting you back!!!

I hope your weekend goes better than you anticipate, making up for a "less than" Christmas. :)
Hugs,
Jen

JennBand08 said...

I'm sorry you were faced with disappoinments this holiday season. I ache for you for Austin.. as his mother I'm sure it breaks your heart to see your ex be so insensitive. ((((( hugs))))) I hope the rest of the weekend is much better and the Butterfly party is wonderful!I can't wait to see pictures
~Jenn

Linda said...

I am really sorry that things turned out so sadly for you. I am going to keep praying that it gets better for you and your children. You deserve it so much. Linda

just me said...

Sounds like we had the same day, different circumstances but the same results. Things will get better they always do.
hugs.
Barbara

Maire said...

I'm so sorry you were feeling so badly...but, its ok to feel down when you have such disappointments. AS for the people in your life that won't or don't do the right thing, screw em' they arent worth your time, you do what you need to do for YOU. Hang in there *hug*