My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

deep thoughts for Sunday

Actual things I have said in the past 24 hours:

"stop eating the Christmas tree"
"if you want to lick your butt you are going to have to do it somewhere other than my bed"
"normal cats don't pull out their own fur"
"stop making that slurping sound"
"my oatmeal is just for me"
"quit hiding your candy cane under the wii pad"

If you haven't guessed... these are my conversations with Stubby the 3legged Wondercat. He has been ADHD since Austin has been at his cousin's house. He has played with the same candy cane since yesterday. There may be a choking hazard involved, I don't know. He just keeps taking his candy cane and hiding it in different places and then "recapturing" it all over again.

Last night my friend Amy came over for coffee and a chat... Stubby tried to win her sympathy by doing his gimpy 3legged "pity me I'm a wounded kitty" walk. I threw something to the other end of the room and he took off after it like an Olympic sprinter. I totally outted him for being a faker! He also showed his jealous nature by trying to wedge in between us as we sat on the couch... by trying to get in between her and her cellphone as she texted... by trying to sit on my keyboard of my laptop as I showed her pictures... I mean, he's really a brat!

Amy and I had a great time. She's not internet savvy so I showed her how to use Facebook and Myspace. She doesn't have internet at home and with two little ones and a full time job she doesn't really have much TIME to use the internet.... but when she's ready, she at least knows what's out there. She's in this really bad, contentuous marriage... she can't stand her husband and has wanted a divorce for about two years... he's a hot headed Guatamalen and every time she thinks she's starting to sort things out, he insists on coming back. It's a really unstable situation. She wants a clean break... I told her that rarely happens in divorce... usually there's some dramatic scene. She worries about how it will affect her kids... (thank God there are some marriage partners out there who actually consider how their decisions affect their children!) but I think having kids live in the midst of fighting and living with two people who don't love each other is also not healthy.

In my great big "the world would be a better place" wish catalog - I wish for marriages that never end. I wish for people who don't make commitments they aren't willing and able to live with for life. I wish for happily ever after. I wish that mommies and daddies stay in love forever so as to always preserve a normal, happy family unit in which children can spend their childhoods. I believe this is the cure for about 50% of the social decay in our world.

In my "reality check" of life experience that I've gained over the past 40 years... I've learned that sometimes people change. I've learned that people don't always understand the weight of the decision to marry... to have a child with someone... I've also learned that when one marriage partner starts to pull away it sometimes creates an avalanche of negativity... it can be an ugly thing to witness, an even uglier thing to live through.

I've seen Amy through the joyful births of both of her children. I've known her through much happier times. I witnessed as the cracks began in her relationship and I've seen her frustration, fear and disappointment along the way. My advice has been to either commit 100% to her marriage and find a way to make it work... or to go on with her life, knowing that it will be a difficult road. Single parenting is tough. Being single is tough. The challenges are overwhelming and you can't truly understand that until you're in the middle of it.

I was up late with Amy... talking and giggling and catching up. She posed the question that many in my life have... "what drove you to that point?"... People who know me... who have known me for awhile... know that I am not the kind of person who ends up choosing a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I usually describe things in generalities, "I was unhappy. I saw no way out. I saw my dreams slipping away". But when I have time and when someone who I know really cares about me asks for details... I give them the gory details... the situations that made me unhappy. The reason I felt I had no way out. Those are exhausting conversations that take me back to that time and place. They make me mad all over again. They also make me remember how amazing my journey home has been.

I always hope that when I share my story that it gives people hope and encouragement. I always want it to be from the perspective of... I made it through a tough time, you can survive your tough time too... I don't see my story as a guidebook on "how to handle a breakup" ... but I do think it's a good guidebook on how to have the humility to accept help from people who love you... a reminder that there is always a way out... that you can always find your way back...

Amy talked to Barry while I was going through all of this... he was concerned, heartbroken for me... she said, "You need to call her" ... he said, "We have to wait until she's ready to talk to me". I wasn't ready at first. I knew he still had feelings and I knew I still had feelings for him but I also knew that I needed to sort out my feelings for Michael first. Honestly, the first time I talked to Barry I told him that I still loved Michael but knew that I could never live with him again. I told him I wasn't healed yet. I'm not in the place of white hot bitterness that I was for awhile. Mostly now I just feel sad that we couldn't figure out a way to save our marriage... but I accept that this is a better life for me and I believe that I am on the way to much better things that would have never happened if I had stayed in that place. The hurt now is mostly new hurt at new things that have been said since I left... distortions of our relationship. There are times that I feel like he not only wants to rob me of a future with him but also wants to rewrite the history of who we were. That's frustrating... and there's nothing I can do about it. He's a salesman, he's persuasive... but I pray that saying holds true, "Live your life in such a way that if someone says something bad about you, people won't believe it".

Barry's been that way with me. I've been honest with him... I've told him the gory details of the insanity I was living in (which was not entirely of my own making). I've shared with him the accusations against me. I've shared with him the character flaws that were selected as reasons I was unloveable. He has laughed at them. He has said, "You don't really believe that stuff, do you?". He has said, "How could you let someone get that deep into your head?". Amy said the same thing last night... "that's not the Heather I've always known".

I guess the tricky thing about breakups is keeping the other person's distortion of the situation from becoming your reality. When I struggle now... it's because of his words in my head... his accusations... it's the fear that I deserved what happened to me. It's a lack of trust that creeps into every relationship... if someone who loved me enough to marry me could think these things... could walk away from me... who else that I've trusted will walk away as well?

I am not an advocate of healing from one relationship by beginning another. I think you have to fix what's broken in you, get over the hurt and bitterness and disappointment first... so that you don't fix those adjusted expections or fears on someone new. However, I will tell you that having someone in my life that has known me and loved me for a long time has been a precious gift. He is a great source of truth and healing for me. If I'm having a moment of loneliness... if I'm feeling abandoned... he steps in... he reminds me that I'm not alone. He reminds me of who I am and what my potential is... he reminds me that he continued to love me even after I fell in love with someone else and moved away. He didn't exactly pine away for me... not in a sad way... he just waited patiently for another relationship with someone he felt the same way about... and it just had not happened.

Wow. Deep thoughts for a Sunday. See what happens when I stay up late being all in touch with my feelings?

The weather is turning cold today. We're expecting temperatures in the teens tonight. That's super cold for me! Austin will be back home after church. We've been invited to lunch with Amy's grandmother and we might go... I've also been invited to spend Christmas Day with Amy's family. I'm planning to go down to my parents to spend time with them but I haven't heard of any concrete plans yet... where we're going or what we're doing... Barry and I want to see a movie on Christmas day... which would be a perfect NORMAL comfortable thing for me to do...

I need to start the glam routine for church... running late as usual! Have a beautiful Sunday... I'll be back later! *hugs*

4 comments:

Remo said...

It took me awhile (and the opinions of people who KNOW me) to lose the crapola that was heaped on me by STBE. It was only after the people outside the relationship told me she was full of bunk that I was able to begin to reconcile my position and move forward. Divorce wouldn't be such a messy affair if people would just own their failings.

Julie said...

I know you are in a better place now than you were a year ago. It is sad that he is telling people untruths about your past together. Don't let his words of critisizm in the past/ present/future make you feel unworthy of love. Plain and simple he is a selfish asshole and never deserved a woman like you that truley loved him. He is the one who is not deserving of love because of how he treated someone who loved him. Just my opinion. Julie

Myra said...

When I left my now ex, his main concern was "what would people say" (about him, I'm sure). I told him say what you want, I don't care. Those that know me will love me anyway, and those that bellieve the horrible things he said about me, don't really know me, and it won't matter. His lies finally caught up with him and he moved to another city! I'm sure he's spewing more lies there, he just has a new audience. Kudos to all of us for believing in ourselves enough to move on, and make a damn good life!

Big Mark 243 said...

Hmm... I want to say a lot, but hey, if this was a situation where I was there with you to go thru this, I would.

You will make it, as long as that is what you believe ... one thing I will say, is for 'new' hurts by this cat is GARBAGE! If you are letting, and that is what you are doing, letting him hurt you anew, it means ONE THING. You aren't focused on what you are moving towards.

When people tell me about 'what I was', I nod my head and MOVE THE HELL ON. PERIOD. I am trying to see what is ahead for me, and what was, was. Learned from it, and IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.

I don't see the need for details. Women like to do that, getting a little chauvanistic, but that is an INEFFECTIVE woman thing. As you go thru whatever it is, you deal with the details, and they forever affect what is to come. The big picture is what you put into the details, and THAT is where you keep your thoughts.

Why pick at scabs? They heal better and clearer if you let them fall off on their own. I think one of the biggest lies we can tell ourselves, is that it is okay to worry and review over 'big' things, emotional trauma over relationship. You are in a very good place, no? So just move on, and don't stop. No need to 'review', big need to adjust and move on. For real.