seek

Today I wrote on my hand the word "seek"... for Matthew 6:33 that says, "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you..." that's the King James Version. You can always tell when I memorized a verse because I started reading the NIV version of the bible when I was about 23 or 24. The verses I memorized as a child are KJV.

Seeking the kingdom of God is sort of a surreal idea for me. I'm not sure I can really wrap my mind around it. Where is the kingdom of God? What exactly is the kingdom of God? Heaven? Or the new Heaven and the new Earth we are promised after the second coming? Or is it more about the church?

Seeking righteousness makes sense to me. And I do, I think, seek righteousness, for the most part. I'm working on it, at least. There are a lot of things that are still worldly in my life. I'm trying to correct ungodly behaviors but I'm also conscious of the fact that I'm human and frail and fallible.

I had a bit of an epiphany today about forgiveness. I've preached this to other people so many times but it's so hard to take my own advice... "to forgive is to set a prisoner free and to realize that all along the prisoner was you". I've promised not to be negative here and I try... I really try... out of respect and appreciation for generousity that has been shown to me... so I don't go into specifics although YOU KNOW that's what I'd rather do. It has been good for me to be under-spoken about this whole breakup and pending divorce. It helps me talk about other things. There was much unhappiness in my life. Every scene that I flash back to has some strife or misery or unpleasantness attached. That's the real tragedy here, not that my marriage ended but that it was so dreadfully unhappy in the first place. My epiphany was that as long as I dwell on the hurt, grief, etc... that I am still stuck in that place. I will never truly be free until I stop letting the past come into my present and prevent me from enjoying my future. I need to be able to talk about my life without adding a "P.S. I just went through a traumatic experience, pity me". Truly, I have lost nothing and gained the whole world.

I think the word magical is overused this time of year. Pretty. Special. Picturesque. Scenic. Few things are magical. Not things like light displays and music and so forth. A baby in a manger... a virgin birth... a star that leads wise men... the fact that people believed that this baby was the Messiah... that's what I consider magical. Put that scene into modern times... some teenage girl gets pregnant and tells people that she didn't really have sex, that she was impregnated with God incarnate. How hard would that be to swallow?

There are so many wonders of this world that we will never be able to comprehend. I think about my relationship with God and how things have changed so drastically in the past two months... I've lost count of the number of weeks which has to be a good sign, right? I'll never understand how things could work together so perfectly for me to be able to move forward with my life. I'll never understand how I was so paralyzed in what was clearly a wrong relationship. Yes, (RD) I do give credit to the humans that were involved in my exit from Egypt... but I can't believe that those things just fell into place in the way they did... it's a pretty amazing story, more so now that I understand the economy of this area. I should never have been able to find a job and a home in the amount of time that I did and I will always believe that it was the power of prayer and an act of God that gave me a home and a job and all the things that we need.

I have learned to believe things that might not make sense. I have learned to expect miracles. I have learned that God is only a wish away. I have learned that we have far more strength within ourselves than we could ever imagine. I have learned to seek righteousness. I have learned to hope.

My thankful Thursday list:
1. groceries
2. lights
3. satellite
4. internet
5. work
6. home
7. car
8. gas
9. health insurance
10. heat

Basic, yes, but all such necessary things that I am not able to take for granted yet. I hope I never do.

I feel better today, by the way!

I've got a couple of emails to answer... if I can stay awake... hope you have a beautiful evening with lots of peace ... and that you find the true magic of Christmas.

*hugs*