under the influence

I'm blogging under the influence...
ok. not really. i don't drink.
It's not that kind of influence...
I just spent a little bit of time talkin' to someone who makes me very happy...
someone from the past who is planning to be part of my future.
It was just really nice.
We are trying to figure out our relationship.
Trying to figure out where we go from here... since we live about two hours apart and we both work a lot. And we both have responsibilities where we live. And probably, that's going to be a good thing....
We have plans to spend some time together over the holidays.
And that makes me very happy.
So I'm under the influence of giddiness.
Sleepy. Silly. Happy. Girly. Giddiness.
It feels good to talk to someone who appreciates me as I am. Who doesn't want to change me, correct me, fix me... someone who doesn't need to be smarter than me.... someone who doesn't call me names... or focus on my mistakes... but who encourages me to grow... who loves not only who I am now, but who I've been and where I've been... who when I talk about people calling me "head case" ... laughs... because I'm no crazier than anyone else. I'm just a girl who loved too much. It's nice to know that he knows that. It's nice to not have to explain myself. Excuse myself. Apologize for being who I am. It's good. Very good.
I haven't felt this way in a long time.

Other than that... it's raining, I still have an earache and stubby the three legged wonder cat/siamese twin is still stuck to my leg. If you take him away from me he screeches like he's being skinned alive. I've had a good day. A long day. I went to work. I picked Austin up from school. We went to church. We had dinner at church. I had bible study. I came home. I talked on the phone with a friend. Then I talked on the phone with a special friend. And now I'm about to curl up in my big cozy nest and go to sleep.

Back in the day... before Jacksonville... before Michael at all... back in the day when my special friend was *the guy*... he would come by at night when I was just about asleep... and he would slip in beside me... I had a twin bed... so it was small! and he would sleep beside me until dawn... he's a big guy... not fat, mind you... the kind of big that comes from lifting weights for ... I guess he's been doing that for twenty five years now... he's solid... and broad... and I loved to lie beside him.

He and I have agreed that we seek to be holy. We are both walking in faith right now. We want to continue to be in God's grace. We have agreed to seek God's will for our lives - seperately and together. We agree that we want to be smart... and be cautious... and we agree that I have been through a lot emotionally... and he wants to be so careful... to not hurt me.... he may just be the one man on the planet that I would trust to never hurt me... (outside of my family, I mean... ). But I really want to put my head on that huge, strong chest and feel those stretch armstrong arms around me....

There have been touchstones for me all along my journey. Bases. Safe places. The first safe place was my brother... when he would call at the hospital, when he came to see me in the hospital.... I knew I was on the way home. The next safe place was being with my boys... I watched for them through the thick glass of the hospital and jumped up and down when I saw them. I ran to them... and to my friend... the first meal out of the hospital was a safe place... being packed up and leaving was a safe place... crossing the state line... my first Sunday at church... joining the church... finding a home, finding a job... each of these has been a milestone, a place of rest and safety. Every normal, ordinary thing that I thought would never be the same again... safety.

His arms will be the next safe place and I can't get there soon enough to satisfy me.

He sent me a text this week that said, "we need to talk".
I don't know about you... but for me... that is never a good sign.
I wrote back, "that is never good" and he said, "no, it's very good".
And it is.
Time for me to go to sleep.
Happy Wednesday! *hugs*