recovering from Christmas

My last post was pretty pitiful. I thought about deleting it... but it's real. I can't possibly make you understand how high the mountaintops are if I never tell you how low the valleys are. Sometimes it's just raw. Sometimes it just sucks.

Today has been ok. I had a nasty dream last night and woke up sort of disoriented by that. I went in to work and it was just me and Gus... so it was busy but not unpleasant. He's a nice guy - single dad with five kids - he's been through the ringer himself and has met a really sweet girl who is great with his kids. He's finding that hope that life goes on.

I haven't lost that hope. I'm feeling like I have enough baggage for a jumbo jet full of passengers but I also think that baggage will serve to protect me. I think it is helpful to be wary. I think caution is not a bad thing. So when my friend called last night... I didn't answer the phone. The "why" doesn't matter. I don't have the luxury of making excuses or extending understanding to any man. This is a zero tolerance environment now. It's just easier to be alone than to be disappointed.

The good news is that payday actually comes earlier than I thought it did so I'm stretching a little less than I thought I'd have to. I had some real sweet people in my life who made me feel a lot less alone today and that's a great confirmation of how good God really is. Thanks, y'all for the comments, emails, phone calls... it helps.

The truth is that I'm just going through the process. Much of my life is filled with joy. I wouldn't want to go back... I just want walking away to not be such a painful process for me. Rejection just sucks and for me, it comes from several different angles. Things are not what they should be sometimes. The idealistic view I have created just sometimes doesn't pan out.

Tomorrow Austin and I will go to Walmart so he can use his gift card. Jamie's 4th birthday party is in the afternoon and I'm excited about sharing in that merriment. I'm looking forward to the next two days off... I need the time to recover! My brother is preaching on Sunday morning and I'm looking forward to that. The senior pastor usually preaches - this is the first time Jim has preached since I've been up here.

It will be ok... Stubby the 3legged wondercat is glued to my side.