My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Psalms 37

Tonight has been difficult for me. Harder than any night so far in the past eleven weeks. Yes, I counted. Whatever unfinished business there was in my life is now finished. I needed closure and I got it in a big, explosive way.

In my head I'm hearing the nursery rhyme, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never harm me". Words do hurt. If it wasn't for the fear of having my car break down here in the mountains I would take my cellphone and toss it into the nearest river. I don't want to talk to anyone who could ever possibly have the power to wound me.

I keep looking down at my new ring. "Hope". There is the imprint of hope on my ring and there is the imprint of hope in my life.

I don't have all the answers. Yet. I don't understand why things happened as they did. Yet. I don't pretend to be righteous and holy and perfect and sainted. I just mean to aim for those things. I have solace in my beliefs and my belief is that there is always hope.

I am still learning to not allow myself to be defined by the least common denominator. I am not the sum total of the amount of hatred conjured up by my enemies. I am not broken. I am yielded. I am not destroyed. I am humbled.

I understand that there is a perfect plan for my life that goes beyond what I can comprehend. I know that God is real and I know that He is really working in my life. I know that He is showing me a better way and giving me a hope that I have to cling to like the last row boat off the Titanic.

I tell you these things because I know that you who are reading are doing so either because you care... or because you want to know if I'm writing about you. I tell you these things because I know that I am not the first person ever to hurt, ever to feel a sense of loss, ever to shed tears over a relationship that was never meant to be. It's because we hope and because we dream that we feel disappointment when those dreams aren't realized.

I don't know exactly how to wrap this up. I walked into the house this evening with tears just pouring... feeling torn to shreds, ripped apart, feeling that I had found a whole new depth of pain... and I looked at the tv... and knew I didn't have the patience for trivial things... and I looked at the two books I'm reading and knew that they would help but felt they might not be enough. I reached in my Mary Poppins bag for my old bible... the one that has lots and lots of notes in the margins and scripture underlined and words circled and highlighted. I opened straight up to Psalms 37. I'll post it for you here... it's long but I invite you to imagine the peace that washed over me as I read this passage... and I hope it has some meaning to you too.

1 [a] Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong;
2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.
3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:
6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.
8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
9 For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
11 But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy great peace.
12 The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;
13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.
14 The wicked draw the sword
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.
15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.
16 Better the little that the righteous have
than the wealth of many wicked;
17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the LORD upholds the righteous.
18 The days of the blameless are known to the LORD,
and their inheritance will endure forever.
19 In times of disaster they will not wither;
in days of famine they will enjoy plenty.
20 But the wicked will perish:
The LORD's enemies will be like the beauty of the fields,
they will vanish—vanish like smoke.
21 The wicked borrow and do not repay,
but the righteous give generously;
22 those the LORD blesses will inherit the land,
but those he curses will be cut off.
23 If the LORD delights in a man's way,
he makes his steps firm;
24 though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
25 I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread.
26 They are always generous and lend freely;
their children will be blessed.
27 Turn from evil and do good;
then you will dwell in the land forever.
28 For the LORD loves the just
and will not forsake his faithful ones.
They will be protected forever,
but the offspring of the wicked will be cut off;
29 the righteous will inherit the land
and dwell in it forever.
30 The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom,
and his tongue speaks what is just.
31 The law of his God is in his heart;
his feet do not slip.
32 The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
seeking their very lives;
33 but the LORD will not leave them in their power
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.
34 Wait for the LORD and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.
35 I have seen a wicked and ruthless man
flourishing like a green tree in its native soil,
36 but he soon passed away and was no more;
though I looked for him, he could not be found.
37 Consider the blameless, observe the upright;
there is a future [b] for the man of peace.
38 But all sinners will be destroyed;
the future [c] of the wicked will be cut off.
39 The salvation of the righteous comes from the LORD;
he is their stronghold in time of trouble.
40 The LORD helps them and delivers them;
he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
because they take refuge in him.



11 comments:

Tracy said...

i dont always no what to say......... ((((((((hugs))))))))) hang in there.

cw2smom said...

Well Sweet Girl, just hold your head up high and hang tough! You are tougher than you think! We can't control what others do to us, but we can control how we react..and we don't need to be troubling ourselves with no stinkin' thinkin'! You are precious and good and all will be okay! Breathe deep and relax for now! You deserve it! Hugs, Lisa

Myra said...

I don't know what triggered this new wave of pain, and maybe its not even important. What does matter is that you know whose you are. You know what He has done for you, and that His plan is the only plan that is real. Don't lose hope, Heather...sometimes its all we have and that is enough.

moshell's lilbit of space said...

**hugs**

sheri said...

Heather,You're on the right path. Keep your faith in the Lord and you will find the sunshine. I have an award for you over at my journal.
Hugs, Sheri

Wendy in Oz said...

You my friend are stronger than anything that piece of crap can throw at you!!! Just remember that you were a strong woman before him, you were amazingly strong to put up with his crap during him and now you will be strong again after him! In fact - you will be stronger!!!! So suck on that! Keep your chin up girl - it makes our faces look thinner!!!!

Hugs

Wendy in Oz

Nancy said...

Oh I've been there... more times than I can say! You're right... words can sting. You're also right... words can heal. Praise God for the WORD He gave you tonight! Cling to that and hang in there!
*HUGS*
Nancy :-)

sober white women said...

The best way to look at this is to say "o.k. when all of this over I hope I can help someone else from what I have learned."
There is always hope, and hope is a good thing.
Kelli

Big Mark 243 said...

I may be going out of order, not in a sequence ... but you are correct aas to why I read ... because I care and I want happiness and contentment for you and your loved ones.

Ericanbiloxi said...

#24 is the one that I can personally say is pretty much ME....I am clumbsy in many ways, but yet I know he is there, holding me up.
The devil works hard to make us want to fail, I am glad that you did not let the beast get you to that point.

Michelle said...

I am just catching up on your journal and I do read because I care about you. Your writing makes me feel like I know you. I wish had something to say to make you feel better, but know I am thinking of you.
Michelle