My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

getting my exercise

I have tried to make an entry several times today and it's just not happening. Bear with me. I have too many thoughts.

Yesterday I wrote C or A on my hand... to remind myself to do everything without complaining or arguing. That was from my bible study yesterday morning. Having that blue magic marker temporary tattoo was a great reminder and a great opportunity to share. By last night, even my little niece Jamie (who is almost 4) asked me, "have you been complaining?" It was a great way to keep my attitude in check.

You know... being miserable and grumpy and angry hurts me far worse than it hurts anyone else.

This morning I prayed that God would help me not feel so frustrated/disappointed with the outcome of my marriage. God told me I was going to have to suffer a bit longer. Ok... no, there wasn't a loud booming voice... but some scripture came to my mind...

"... but the God of all grace who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast" 1 Peter 5:10

I hate to exercise. For a period of time I was very consistent in my exercise routine, starting every morning with at least 30 minutes of treadmill or elliptical. I hated every minute of it. I hated being hot and tired and sweaty. I hated that my lungs burned and my legs ached. But the reward of consistent exercise was feeling good and looking good and being able to wear cute clothes.

Suffering, I believe, is exercise for your spirit. I got way more exercise than I wanted today.

I went to work for about five hours. I went to the doctor. I came home. Simple enough, right?

Work was fine. I have a car loan that will probably close next week... which gives me a nice little addition to my next paycheck... just in time for Christmas. I didn't feel good at work... but I haven't felt well in awhile.

I left my husband two months ago today. I still miss him. I'm still angry about what happened and why. I still resent her. I still hurt. This random thought in the middle of another train of thought is a perfect example of what my life is like... happy happy happy sad angry happy frustrated happy grateful happy blessed strong sick happy sad... all over the board.

I left work and went to the doctor and my suspicions were correct... I am not better. She gave me a shot of rocephin... if you haven't had a shot lately... they still hurt. It hurts afterwards. It hurts bad enough that you forget what ailed you that made you need the shot in the first place. She did blood work. She ordered an ultrasound to check for kidney stones (there are none) and signs that my kidneys aren't working correctly (they are). She gave me a prescription for levaquin which is relatively strong and which always makes me nauseated. She also gave me a prescription for something to ease the nausea and something for pain.

I left the doctor's office and did my grocery run. You can imagine how crowded that little Ingles was. I was really in pain. I saw my friend Pam who is a cashier there and she cheered me up a bit. I then went to the pharmacy to get my meds. There was no line and they were ready and I was in and out quickly.

I came home to a huge mess. Austin had not only NOT done his chores but had taken apart this toy that had a couple hundred tiny plastic pegs and they were all over the living room, kitchen and my room. He had dirty dishes intertwined with his blankets. It looked like a frat house. I wanted to cry. Actually, I did cry. I have been home for over four hours and I have been dealing with him and his chores and his messes ever since. I am beyond frustrated. I am overwhelmed. He is too old to be so destructive. I am too sick to have to hover over a kid to get him to understand that he can't leave cheese shreds to mold on the counter or that he can't put dirty dishes under the couch or that he can't eat a whole dozen eggs for breakfast and then leave the remains stuck to the pan on top of the stove. Every. Single. Thing. He has done today. Has been. An enormous. Battle.

I put broccoli on to steam for my broccoli salad and asked Austin to watch it (while he was cleaning the kitchen - the mess he made) and tell me when it boiled. He forgot... it got mushy. We'll have broccoli casserole instead. I had Austin mix up the sausage balls for me. He somehow got too much water in it and the dough was runny. He carried the big Home Interior picture that I have had for twenty years that he broke *accidentally* to the trash and managed to get shards of glass everywhere. He has gone in and out of my room a thousand times this afternoon while I was trying to sleep off the nausea and affects of the anti-nausea meds and he has managed to slam the door every time except one. Instead of folding the washclothes and dish towels he rolled them into long tubes and tried to store them on the counter in my bathroom.

I am no Martha Stewart but dish towels do not go on the bathroom counter and a child who has lived with me for 14 years really ought to know that.

Before anyone starts thinking that I am breaking child labor laws... you should know that his chores are pretty basic... he has to clean up behind himself... run the dishwasher and empty it... sweep the kitchen floor... take out the trash. Minor.
He ends up having a lot to clean up because he makes a lot of messes.

Sidebar... it really gets on my nerves when people pronounce the word, "children" chur-dren. There is an L in it.

Between seeing the doctor... waiting on an ultrasound... waiting on blood work... waiting to see the doctor again... I had a lot of time to read my friend Matt's book. Here's an excerpt (shared without permission) "Sadly, we live in jails of our own making. We walk in the unseen prisons of pursuits that leave us more empty than when we began. The hunger of the heart will not be satisfied in the love of another person."

Yes, there is suffering in my life and I believe it will be there for awhile still to come. My hour by hour life is really not bad. When I look back over big stretches of time it is painful. When I try to think ahead over a big stretch of my future, it is scary. The here and now is ok.

PS... yes, I am taking my medicine and drinking cranberry juice and resting.

7 comments:

Nancy said...

BIG ***HUGS*** I completely understand your hurt, frustration, sadness... all of it! I don't share alot about that in my journal because... well, just because sometimes it's too raw and painful. But I do understand what you're going through. Thank you for your willingness to share what you're going through. It helps me to feel like I'm not alone.

You are in my prayers, Heather. I pray that God will speak mercy over you and bless you in new and refreshing ways. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

*HUGS*
Nancy :-)

mmmbrown625 said...

(((((heather)))))
Well, at least it will only be for "a little while" . . .
you know, some mothers eat their young . . . but it would probably give me indigestion . . .
take a deep breath . . . you are very fortunate to have this opportunity for your child to frustrate you . . . he'll make it up to you in his own little way. Love you and looking forward to seeing you Friday. Let me know what time!
Ly,
Mary

Myra said...

I feel your pain and frustration. What can you do but take it one day at a time. Everything seems to be magnified when you are not feeling well. It is hard to accept the role each of us had in the demise of our marriage, but it is that look within that heals us. You have stated so eloquently what happened, and you've analyzed MJD, probably quite accurately. It is understandable to hurt...it is still too raw. Take care...

Tina said...

in addition to chur-dren, i also dont like "chir-rens" drives me crazy!!!!!
glad you are resting now. that is one tough shot she gave you! I hope it knocks it out!

LYN said...

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Big Mark 243 said...

Man, you are only two months removed from your marriage? I would have thought you were further away than that, because since I have been following you, you have seemed so strong.

I think you are doing good based on that alone. Time is a relative thing, and 'soon' seems like it is far away when you have lost something that you wanted as much as a partnership/marriage/relationship.
Being patient can get monotonus. You have those 'stifled Friday Nights', where you are sitting in front of the television, wanting to be near someone and you aren't. There may be a movie or something interesting going on in town, and all you have is yourself. No one to invite you to go to the Piggly Wiggly, much less to local college to see some exhibit, just to have something to do.

Then you have to keep on with the keeping on. You can have a momentary win (like your loan going thru) and you look forward to another moment that you don't have anyone to share it with. It is like being all dressed up and having no place to go (we just want to da-ance!!).

You know you are doing better, and you know that you are making progress, but when will you really be 'away from here?' Two months?!? You are still in the gravitional pull, if not orbit of your marriage. All the hard words, and dealings y'all had are still pretty fresh. I wouldn't be surprised if when you see 'the new what's happenin', he still resembles the OLD what was goin' down.

Saying that you need to get yourself right before you enter into a friendship/relationship doesn't do any good. The want for affection, for the shared experience of builiding a life, is sooo strong and you want it sooo badly.

Days (and nights) like the one you had with your Austin tend to frustrated you as well. How cool would it be to have someone to help with him and balance things out, so that you aren't always the heavy? Even if all that person did was let him get away with it, to have someone special TO YOU there to be a part of it ... I think you know what I am trying to say.

As to exercise, I will prolly go on a run today ... even do some work with my balance ball and work out bands. I am going to join Bally's at the turn of the year to see how much I can tighten up. Right now, I am sore, both physically and mentally. I left Mookie in May ... sometimes it feels like yesterday ... other times it feels like a year ago. And I tell myself what I don't want to hear, that I have to keep on, because there IS something better out there for me, even though I can't see it.

Well, I hope your medical condition gets the attention and medical treatment it needs. Do want you to feel better. That isn't going to help, the side effects of the medicine and the mood. One question ... do you speak with your ex? And if so, regarding what?

Take care of yourself Heather. Happy Holiday, FOR REAL.

Rwdrake said...

Wow. Tough indeed. I regret so your illness and your anguish.

I understand too you're wanting Austin to get himself together. Believe me.

Perhaps however, I can give you an insight... sometimes to exercise is to exorcise. It gives you an opportunity to channel all the hurt, rage, and anguish into energy to make you better.

Treadmills and so forth are great, but perhaps a bicycle? Then you actually get to go somewhere. If not that, perhaps a batting cage or a driving range.

There is something therapeutic in giving a name to your pain... when whacking it to kingdom come.