getting my exercise

I have tried to make an entry several times today and it's just not happening. Bear with me. I have too many thoughts.

Yesterday I wrote C or A on my hand... to remind myself to do everything without complaining or arguing. That was from my bible study yesterday morning. Having that blue magic marker temporary tattoo was a great reminder and a great opportunity to share. By last night, even my little niece Jamie (who is almost 4) asked me, "have you been complaining?" It was a great way to keep my attitude in check.

You know... being miserable and grumpy and angry hurts me far worse than it hurts anyone else.

This morning I prayed that God would help me not feel so frustrated/disappointed with the outcome of my marriage. God told me I was going to have to suffer a bit longer. Ok... no, there wasn't a loud booming voice... but some scripture came to my mind...

"... but the God of all grace who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast" 1 Peter 5:10

I hate to exercise. For a period of time I was very consistent in my exercise routine, starting every morning with at least 30 minutes of treadmill or elliptical. I hated every minute of it. I hated being hot and tired and sweaty. I hated that my lungs burned and my legs ached. But the reward of consistent exercise was feeling good and looking good and being able to wear cute clothes.

Suffering, I believe, is exercise for your spirit. I got way more exercise than I wanted today.

I went to work for about five hours. I went to the doctor. I came home. Simple enough, right?

Work was fine. I have a car loan that will probably close next week... which gives me a nice little addition to my next paycheck... just in time for Christmas. I didn't feel good at work... but I haven't felt well in awhile.

I left my husband two months ago today. I still miss him. I'm still angry about what happened and why. I still resent her. I still hurt. This random thought in the middle of another train of thought is a perfect example of what my life is like... happy happy happy sad angry happy frustrated happy grateful happy blessed strong sick happy sad... all over the board.

I left work and went to the doctor and my suspicions were correct... I am not better. She gave me a shot of rocephin... if you haven't had a shot lately... they still hurt. It hurts afterwards. It hurts bad enough that you forget what ailed you that made you need the shot in the first place. She did blood work. She ordered an ultrasound to check for kidney stones (there are none) and signs that my kidneys aren't working correctly (they are). She gave me a prescription for levaquin which is relatively strong and which always makes me nauseated. She also gave me a prescription for something to ease the nausea and something for pain.

I left the doctor's office and did my grocery run. You can imagine how crowded that little Ingles was. I was really in pain. I saw my friend Pam who is a cashier there and she cheered me up a bit. I then went to the pharmacy to get my meds. There was no line and they were ready and I was in and out quickly.

I came home to a huge mess. Austin had not only NOT done his chores but had taken apart this toy that had a couple hundred tiny plastic pegs and they were all over the living room, kitchen and my room. He had dirty dishes intertwined with his blankets. It looked like a frat house. I wanted to cry. Actually, I did cry. I have been home for over four hours and I have been dealing with him and his chores and his messes ever since. I am beyond frustrated. I am overwhelmed. He is too old to be so destructive. I am too sick to have to hover over a kid to get him to understand that he can't leave cheese shreds to mold on the counter or that he can't put dirty dishes under the couch or that he can't eat a whole dozen eggs for breakfast and then leave the remains stuck to the pan on top of the stove. Every. Single. Thing. He has done today. Has been. An enormous. Battle.

I put broccoli on to steam for my broccoli salad and asked Austin to watch it (while he was cleaning the kitchen - the mess he made) and tell me when it boiled. He forgot... it got mushy. We'll have broccoli casserole instead. I had Austin mix up the sausage balls for me. He somehow got too much water in it and the dough was runny. He carried the big Home Interior picture that I have had for twenty years that he broke *accidentally* to the trash and managed to get shards of glass everywhere. He has gone in and out of my room a thousand times this afternoon while I was trying to sleep off the nausea and affects of the anti-nausea meds and he has managed to slam the door every time except one. Instead of folding the washclothes and dish towels he rolled them into long tubes and tried to store them on the counter in my bathroom.

I am no Martha Stewart but dish towels do not go on the bathroom counter and a child who has lived with me for 14 years really ought to know that.

Before anyone starts thinking that I am breaking child labor laws... you should know that his chores are pretty basic... he has to clean up behind himself... run the dishwasher and empty it... sweep the kitchen floor... take out the trash. Minor.
He ends up having a lot to clean up because he makes a lot of messes.

Sidebar... it really gets on my nerves when people pronounce the word, "children" chur-dren. There is an L in it.

Between seeing the doctor... waiting on an ultrasound... waiting on blood work... waiting to see the doctor again... I had a lot of time to read my friend Matt's book. Here's an excerpt (shared without permission) "Sadly, we live in jails of our own making. We walk in the unseen prisons of pursuits that leave us more empty than when we began. The hunger of the heart will not be satisfied in the love of another person."

Yes, there is suffering in my life and I believe it will be there for awhile still to come. My hour by hour life is really not bad. When I look back over big stretches of time it is painful. When I try to think ahead over a big stretch of my future, it is scary. The here and now is ok.

PS... yes, I am taking my medicine and drinking cranberry juice and resting.