My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

my imaginary friend

I know y'all get tired of me bragging about how beautiful it is here... but it just is... so get used to it! No, seriously... I was driving home watching the sunset behind the mountains and contemplating my journey. I think about these things a lot... about how far I've come... what things I still need to work on... what's working for me and what isn't...

Yesterday was, despite the somber occasion, a real victory for me. God has a way of continuing to show me new things about myself. It wasn't that long ago that I was steeped in "I can'ts" and it just feels really good to know I can. The "I can" for me is "I can do all things thru Christ who gives me strength" (Phillipians 4:13).

When I found out that Misty died and realized that the right thing to do would be to show up and pay her the kind of respect she deserved, I was conscious that it would be a challenge... but I never considered not going. If I steered clear of every event that might be emotionally or physically difficult, then I didn't really survive, did I? I didn't come this far to be hampered, to be afraid, to hide behind my emotions...

But through my "downfall" I did learn a valuable lesson about trying to rely on my own strength and now I know that every step must be entered into with prayerful consideration. We are told to pray without ceasing... obviously, I can't stay in meditation all day and perform my customer service duties... but I do pray on the way to work... and the way home... and for ten to twenty minutes on lunch every day...as I'm going to sleep... and other times.... and maybe some would see that as restrictive or excessive but it's what I need right now. Decide for yourself what is right for you. Maybe I won't always need that much time to focus... right now I do.

Praying in that way prepares my heart and quiets my mind and strengthens me. I know there are some who see prayer as talking to an imaginary friend. I'm ok with that. He's real to me and that's what matters, right? My imaginary friend has gotten me through times that were too tough to survive before. My imaginary friend reminds me to keep pressing on and gives me hope.

And I will just say that it was no imaginary friend who gave us all the grace and peace we needed yesterday. It was not all in my mind. I'm not that optimistic. My true nature would have been to find fault, to find reasons to complain, to find things to be offended by and it was just not that way.

We set ourselves up with predispositions of our personality. I have a tendency to always assume people are going to like me... but yet always assume that I will be unlucky in love and with money. There are certain "poor me's" integral to my nature. I always feel a little left out when I hear people talk about their happily ever afters because it just hasn't been that way for me. Even with Michael... the Prince Charming/Cinderella phase only lasted a few weeks and then reality set in... or my perceived reality. I don't know if the fairy tale was never true or if my pessimism destroyed it... like with Tinkerbell... because I stopped believing, it stopped being real.

And so when I believe in God, when I take His promises to be my truth, my reality, my future, my hope... it's purposefully countering who I would normally be... it's eliminating the negativity and allowing there to be positive energy flowing through my heart and mind.

On the way home tonight I was thinking about how many people have told me that they came to this area to heal. What is it about this neck of the woods that is so restorative? Is it the beauty? The serenity? The slower pace? For me I don't know that it was so much a geographical location that facilitated healing as it was an emotional availability. I removed everything else, I allowed myself to be vulnerable and receptive to something bigger than myself and... life changed. All thanks to my imaginary friend.

9 comments:

Peaceful Epiphany said...

I am glad you are healing Heather. And I am glad you got through the funeral and MJD and all that the day threw at you with your head held high and your heart intact. I am sure that funeral was heartbreaking. I know seeing Bobby and the new baby and Misty's family was gut wrenching. Not to mention facing MJD and all that. But you did it. You are strong and you held up.

GOOD FOR YOU!!! Very proud of you!
Hugs,
Jen

I'm mostly known as 'MA' said...

Not you imagination at all. He is with you each step of the way.
'On Ya'-ma

Big Mark 243 said...

What a way cool post! Finding your 'what', utilizing your relationship with Grace in this manner is sobering.

I try as hard as I can to keep the 'poor me's' out of my vocabulary. You made a great entry!

Myra said...

Not imaginery at all! You see Him all around you, the mountains, the sunrise, sunset, the whisper of the wind...He is always there, and let's you know it. I do not tire of hearing how beautiful the mountains around are, because I feel the same way. Nature grounds me, and God gives us the great gift of nature to do just that. You are healing.

Sarah said...

Ok..you have me ready to pack my bags and head to the mountains. Have you heard of a book called "Lies women believe"?? It is a great book and really goes along with alot of the things you said in this last post. Satan has had me defeated for so long, believing lies about ME...thinking I was nothing. But in reality, God wants me to see ME as He sees me.

I enjoy following your blog..Sarah

Tina said...

i tend to assume that people like me too and then am surprised and hurt when they don't.

Beth said...

Heather, I don't get tired of hearing how beautiful it is there, because I know it is! When you write about north Georgia, it brings back great memories.

Sounds like you're doing great, keep on going!!

Hugs, Beth

cw2smom said...

A beautiful entry Heather! You sound so hopeful and strong! Nature is such a healing force and you are exactly where you need to be at this time in your life! Continue to put yourself first in order to take care of others, and you will thrive! Blessings, Lisa

Tracy said...

i love the way you are able to write what you feel so well. have a good weekend. hugs