my imaginary friend

I know y'all get tired of me bragging about how beautiful it is here... but it just is... so get used to it! No, seriously... I was driving home watching the sunset behind the mountains and contemplating my journey. I think about these things a lot... about how far I've come... what things I still need to work on... what's working for me and what isn't...

Yesterday was, despite the somber occasion, a real victory for me. God has a way of continuing to show me new things about myself. It wasn't that long ago that I was steeped in "I can'ts" and it just feels really good to know I can. The "I can" for me is "I can do all things thru Christ who gives me strength" (Phillipians 4:13).

When I found out that Misty died and realized that the right thing to do would be to show up and pay her the kind of respect she deserved, I was conscious that it would be a challenge... but I never considered not going. If I steered clear of every event that might be emotionally or physically difficult, then I didn't really survive, did I? I didn't come this far to be hampered, to be afraid, to hide behind my emotions...

But through my "downfall" I did learn a valuable lesson about trying to rely on my own strength and now I know that every step must be entered into with prayerful consideration. We are told to pray without ceasing... obviously, I can't stay in meditation all day and perform my customer service duties... but I do pray on the way to work... and the way home... and for ten to twenty minutes on lunch every day...as I'm going to sleep... and other times.... and maybe some would see that as restrictive or excessive but it's what I need right now. Decide for yourself what is right for you. Maybe I won't always need that much time to focus... right now I do.

Praying in that way prepares my heart and quiets my mind and strengthens me. I know there are some who see prayer as talking to an imaginary friend. I'm ok with that. He's real to me and that's what matters, right? My imaginary friend has gotten me through times that were too tough to survive before. My imaginary friend reminds me to keep pressing on and gives me hope.

And I will just say that it was no imaginary friend who gave us all the grace and peace we needed yesterday. It was not all in my mind. I'm not that optimistic. My true nature would have been to find fault, to find reasons to complain, to find things to be offended by and it was just not that way.

We set ourselves up with predispositions of our personality. I have a tendency to always assume people are going to like me... but yet always assume that I will be unlucky in love and with money. There are certain "poor me's" integral to my nature. I always feel a little left out when I hear people talk about their happily ever afters because it just hasn't been that way for me. Even with Michael... the Prince Charming/Cinderella phase only lasted a few weeks and then reality set in... or my perceived reality. I don't know if the fairy tale was never true or if my pessimism destroyed it... like with Tinkerbell... because I stopped believing, it stopped being real.

And so when I believe in God, when I take His promises to be my truth, my reality, my future, my hope... it's purposefully countering who I would normally be... it's eliminating the negativity and allowing there to be positive energy flowing through my heart and mind.

On the way home tonight I was thinking about how many people have told me that they came to this area to heal. What is it about this neck of the woods that is so restorative? Is it the beauty? The serenity? The slower pace? For me I don't know that it was so much a geographical location that facilitated healing as it was an emotional availability. I removed everything else, I allowed myself to be vulnerable and receptive to something bigger than myself and... life changed. All thanks to my imaginary friend.