raw

The best sleep is when you sleep all night and wake up when you're done sleeping, not when an alarm goes off. I had that kind of sleep last night.

I was up late on the phone with a friend and I was worried... because there was so much on my mind... that I wouldn't be able to sleep... but I slept great and I feel really rested today. Maybe I felt unburdened. I keep being positive and walking in faith and believing God and am so careful to not let any bitterness well up in me... that when I do occasionally let down my guard and speak my entire heart... it hurts but it's also helpful.

With Misty's death, two weeks ago today, I have felt such a heavy heart about not being a wife and step-mother. Yes, I know on an intellectual level that these were not decisions that were really mine to make - the choice was made for me. Ultimately I know that there was nothing I could have done... and it was the knowledge that there was no way for me to fix things that made me feel so helpless and hopeless. Leaving was the only way I could take control of my own destiny again. But I can't help but play the "what-if" game, at least as it pertains to Bobby. What if I was there for him now? What if the family I thought we had created was together and whole and supportive? The thought of someone else being a stepmother to him enrages me... the thought of NOBODY being a stepmother to him saddens me. The thought that I have no control over any of it, knowing that I will have no voice in what happens to him, frustrates me.

God is faithful. God is there. He is there to watch over and guide the people I love. He is there to heal my heart and bind up the broken pieces. He is there to give me peace when I feel tossed about and tormented by the what ifs. I am learning to lean on Him.

We didn't get paid yesterday. When I got to work there was an email to the entire office letting everyone know that they would have gotten paid except that myself and another staff member didn't turn in our hours so they couldn't run any payroll. I started to cry. I understand... again, on an intellectual level... that this was not something to cry over. I just felt so guilty... and honestly... I needed that money... it takes two days for my deposits to hit my bank so for me, it means I don't really get paid until Wednesday... and I felt frustrated. It's only my second payday. I don't know how this stuff works. I don't know what has to be turned in and when. Yes, my co-workers casually mentioned that we needed to turn in hours... I was busy... I didn't get them turned in... I had them posted on my calendar... I just felt in that moment that I was in a position where everyone would resent the new kid for causing a delay in their pay. It definitely wasn't worth crying over... and I thought all day about why it brought tears so easily for me. I think it had more to do with acceptance, and the feelings that remain so close to the surface that I am not good enough... that I am a problem... that I cost people money and happiness... that dwell in my subconscious. Those are the lies that the Enemy whispers in my ear when I allow him a voice.

I got an apology... truly, payday was supposed to be Monday either way. My boss felt horrible for making me cry and I felt stupid for crying. It wasn't that big of a deal. But it reminded me how raw and fresh the wounds still are. I usually only cry alone... when I'm driving... when I'm in my nest at night, reading and studying and praying... I usually only cry to God. I try to look strong, to act strong, to be strong.

This week in my Believing God bible study we are supposed to write our testimony... the story of our entire life and how God has worked in our lives. The idea is that it will show you how powerful God is and how he has brought us through difficult times. I know that it will be a constructive and helpful project for me but I am dreading having to go back and revisit all the hurts in my past. I don't know that I'm ready to revisit those hurts. Just in the past couple of days as I've been prayerfully considering my recent past, I've felt so much rage and hurt and disappointment... all over again... like it was just yesterday.

Welllll... so that's my Saturday morning. I've got to get a shower and head in to work. I don't really mind working on Saturday... I don't want to work every Saturday but it's not that bad. I can sleep later, I can dress however I want, I'm only there for a few hours and it's just me. (and Austin) (and whomever has an appointment). I needed to make up the time I missed when I was off for Misty's funeral... and the big life insurance policy I was counting on... the insured withdrew the application... that's $360 out of my budget. This is the problem with commissions... they don't always pan out. The car loan I was supposed to close on Thursday turned into Monday and then maybe later in the week. I just keep trying. I have the possibility of selling some life insurance today so say a prayer or light a candle or do whatever you do to improve the odds!

Gotta grab a shower... love and hugs!