My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

hope


Today has been the cherry on a perfect weekend sundae for me... lots of friends, family, rest, accomplishment.... I am blessed and content and happy.
It is the first Sunday in Advent which celebrates hope. It is not by accident that today I received the ring I ordered from my friend Misty's jewelry sale... a simple silver band with the word, "hope" engraved in it. I had stopped wearing my wedding rings not long after moving here because they were a painful reminder of what should have been and was not. However, because my conviction is that I am married until such time as I am legally not married, I intend to wear a ring on that finger. The "hope" ring was a great symbol for me, that there is hope for the future.
Certainly, I have more hope than I had at the beginning of this weekend! I think that my excitement at having talked to my friend was more about being able to see past the pain and begin to imagine a life after this has all ended. There was a time when I couldn't even see my way to the end of the day, much less to a new relationship... or for that matter, a new home, a new job, living independently, feeling joy... and all those things have so beautifully fallen into place.
It is premature for me to begin to even dip a toe into a new relationship. I am, however, enjoying the possibilities around me and I am no longer afraid of being alone for the rest of my life because I can see that there is hope.
Now... having said that... there is a lot of work for me to do. My house is finally in order (other than still needing curtains and realizing that I only have one pot holder!) I am settling in. I am definitely loving my home and my job and my church and feeling so much like a part of this place and not just a visitor. Michael accused me of never really moving to Jacksonville. Whether or not it was intentional, I never engaged in that place as I have engaged here and a huge part of that is being part of the church. I just know this is where I'm supposed to be while healing. I hope this is where I'm always supposed to be because I can't imagine ever leaving! But I have learned to not use absolutes like "always" or "never". I am happy to be here for as long as God intends it.
The next step for me is to begin a physical healing. I worked so hard to lose weight and then lost my focus and really stopped caring about my physical well-being. It took every ounce of energy to survive emotionally... I made the comment this weekend that you have to want to live before you can want to live healthy. I'm there now. I want to live. I am working on a plan to begin to get back to a healthy size.
*sidebar* Let me toss this in as well- I believe that I am loveable at any size. In fact, I have had MORE success in dating as a big girl than I had in dating as a small girl. Maybe - and I'm not making any character assessments here - maybe it's possible that men who love bigger girls love more than just the outside appearance and maybe men who are attracted only to thinner girls can only love on a surface level. I have some really deep issues with the whole idea of rejecting someone because of their size. I will tell you very honestly that I am the size I am now in part because of the sadness I felt, because of the medications I was on and partly because it was a subconcious protest that I could be WHOEVER I wanted to be and still be loveable. That was a risky little experiment and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that my weight played a role in the demise of my marriage. However, I will also say that for the long term, I want someone who will love me regardless of the physical appearance, for it is guaranteed that I will age... my hair will turn grey... I will develop wrinkles... regardless of how well I take care of myself... and regardless of what I weigh. I am concerned about being with someone who is healthy and who will encourage me to be healthy as well.
I know that in the past when I have been successful with weight loss that exercise has been the key factor. I hate to exercise. However, I do love being outdoors and I love to walk and there are great places around here to walk. The problem is that I am at work from dark to dark every day now. I'm going to have to return to using dvd's and just doing stuff inside until I'm either working less or the daylight lasts longer. My goal is to put in 30 minutes of exercise every day in 2009. I tried to make it a fun goal for me so I decided I would exercise 180 hours in 2009... which gives me some flexibility if I am unable to work EVERY day but should also give me some positive results.
I also thought it was a pretty cool thought that 180 hours could result in an 180 degree turnaround.
When I begin my weight loss journey in 2005 I knew that developing an exercise routine was going to be tough. I started with only 5 minutes a day and gradually increased it until it was a habit. I think I'm in a little bit better shape now than I was then - but not by much! I'm going to spend the month of December building up to that thirty minutes a day so that come January 1st, I'm already in a healthy pattern and it's not a drastic shock to my system to begin exercising. I'm going to start with ten minutes a day this week... fifteen minutes a day next week... and be ready for that thirty minutes a day on January 1st.
I'm not sure yet what food plan I'm going to use. I've got to think about that a bit longer. I want to do something that I can really do for the rest of my life. I want it to be reasonable and usable and affordable. The good thing is that I love fresh fruit and vegetables... that bad thing it that I love bread.
I loved the comments on Austin in the refrigerator... butt prints in the butter... leftover turkey (that made me laugh out loud!)... now the poor trick is sick and I'm feeling so bad for him. He really can't afford to miss any school and his school day is so long... there is a prediction of snow for tonight but not a "snow day" kind of snow. He's sleeping now. I let him stay home from church this morning. He's just really feeling icky. I have a little bit of a cough myself and a sore throat but there should be enough antibiodic in my system to keep me from getting sick. Unless it's viral. Ha! That would be my luck! I am having some icky side effects from the high doses of antibiodics... mouth ulcers and things of that nature. But I feel like the kidney infection is better, if not completely gone.
So that's my Sunday... filled with hope for the future... love and hugs!

3 comments:

~Kat~ said...

You can do anything! and I so agree with you about men and them only liking the outside a real man loves no matter what your size I so I agree with you! Sounds like things have fallen in place for you Heather Can I ask you a Question? If you knew things would be this good would you have left him sooner? The reason I ask is cause I want you to have no regrets! even the bad times mold you into who you are so be Thankful for everything in your life the good the bad the ugly! I belive the Lord has placed you right where you are meant to be and you went thought all that to get here! Your page is beautiful Take care Blessings Kat:)

Big Mark 243 said...

Ooh, that comment Kat left, talking about 'left sooner' ... much respects, but DO NOT ANSWER IT. I will TELL YOU it doesn't matter now. You have made a choice, now work with what's what, and don't speculate about 'what if', when it comes to your past.

The only 'what if' you should do, is 'what if I make my dream happen'. Period.

As to not fully being in J'ville, I defintely understand that. I grew up in Detroit, but my heart is in North Carolina. It is all I can do not to call it home ... if I won the lottery, there would be no question as to where I would go.

As to the fitness part, accepting yourself as you are helps, because it makes fitness something you want and choose, rather than something done for objective idealizations of the world.

Too bad you aren't a 'client'. I would get you on a nice fitness program and have you feeling and looking good! Enjoy the day!

mmmbrown625 said...

You never truly moved to J'ville because you were never truly welcomed to J'ville.
Just curious about Big Mark 243 ~ what part of NC do you call home?
Ly, Heather!
Mary