My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Saturday, November 29, 2008

waking up with a smile!

I was up late last night. That doesn't happen often with me. I was emailing with my cyber crush *wink* and working on my blog and watching the movie "Georgia Rule" with Jane Fonda, Lindsey Lohan and Felicity Huffman. I was having a pleasant time and enjoying quality time with me and I just wasn't ready to go to sleep yet. THAT REALLY never happens! I'm always ready to go to sleep!
Then I got a phone call and as soon as the phone rang I knew that I was meant to stay up late so I would be awake and lucid to take that call. It was a blast from the past... someone I never quite got over.... the man who I once boldly told that I would be the one he thought of as "the one that got away". We have talked once since I left Michael. That phone call was about giving him a brief overview of my demise and resurrection, catching up on what was going on in his life and so forth. He told me then that he had wanted to talk to me but wanted it to be on my terms and when I was ready. I was. We acknowledged warm fuzzies then and I knew that if I wanted to talk to him, I could.
Since then... Misty died... I've had this kidney infection... I've had some additional challenges and discoveries... if you come here often, you know there's always something boiling in my cauldron. There have been a few times I've thought about calling him but didn't have the time to give him my undivided attention. Angie recently asked me if I had talked to him again. Melissa asked if I was going to see him over Thanksgiving (as he lives near my parents). I wanted to... in the back of my mind I wanted there to be some reunion... but there were just other things that needed my attention more. In my heart there has just been no hurry where he is concerned... no need to run snatch him up before someone else gets him. It has just always felt with him like whatever is meant to be, will be.
So last night... at 10:48... when I put my laptop away and pulled out the newspaper to read myself to sleep.... the phone rang... and I picked it up - because nobody calls me at that time of night - except him- and I saw his name on my caller ID and I smiled... it made sense to me why I was not ready to go to sleep yet. I had some business to take care of.
Let me help you understand the filters that I have self-imposed on my blog: it is read by most of my family members (which is fine, it helps them know things I would probably never tell them) and by my husband and some of his family members and by coworkers and friends and and church members and -who knows who all! I always look at my geotracker on the upper right side of my blog with great interest. I want to know who comes here... and most people don't leave comments.
So when I tell you that I woke up this morning with a smile like I had slept with a coat hangar in my mouth... you will understand that this was a meaningful conversation for me... and I am greatly encouraged about the future of our relationship.
We talked for two hours and seven minutes. For those of you who know me only online... you may have the perception that because I am wordy, I am also chatty... and this is true but I HATE talking on the phone. Hate it. I am far too A.D.D. to sit and devote all my attention to just one thing and yet I feel compelled to do on the phone EXACTLY what I do if I'm talking to some one in person - I stop what I'm doing and give them my undivided attention. It's what I want to receive, therefore it's what I give.
We revisited the warm fuzzies. After talking with him last time I came away with the perception that he had not dated at all since we dissolved our relationship. In fact... he has dated one person... for three months... and it didn't work for several reasons (which aren't mine to share) and ultimately he returned his focus back to his work and his family and his coaching. At this point in the conversation I interjected, "It couldn't work because we are each other's destiny". And. He. Agreed.
We talked about things that had happened while we were on separate paths. He is aware that I was unhappy (doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out if a girl tries to kill herself, she's probably not on top of the world!) and we had touched on some of the "why's" of that unhappiness in our first conversation. But last night he asked questions... and I gave answers... and it hurt his heart. At one point he said, "Stop. I can't hear any more of this. I can't stand to know how bad you hurt.".
And we talked about how I met my husband as a direct result of our decision to date other people. He said, "Yeah. I don't remember that part - the part of us seeing other people". He was kidding. I think it's just one of those things that you do in a relationship when you're not sure where else to take it. I think for us it came from a knowledge that there was going to have to be a time of tribulation... that I was going to have to see what else was out there... maybe it was only that way for him. I thought I was in search of Prince Charming. I even used the words, "fairy tale marriage" and he reminded me that there are no such things as fairy tales and that real relationships aren't always pretty... but if they're real, they aren't that much work either. We talked about the red flags I saw in my relationship with Michael. He talked about the red flags he saw from a distance.
He worried that the holiday would be hard for me. You know... the reverse is true. I am empowered by how beautiful my Thanksgiving was. I am empowered by the people I saw and the traditions that were kept and the knowledge that there is a place in this world where I uniquely fit. I am blessed to be in that place now.
We talked about our spiritual journey. He asked what my relationship with God is like... *smile*... better than ever! This was always an important foundation in our relationship. I told him that I knew that if I ever committed to anyone again, that it would have to be someone whose passion for Christ is like mine.
I explained it this way... I'm a big Florida fan. I love the Gators. I love Tim Tebow. If I were lucky enough to get tickets to the SEC Championship game next weekend... I don't have any Florida fans in close proximity... so I would have to take a friend who maybe just enjoys SEC football... or maybe just enjoys my company and goes to keep me from braving the wilds of downtown Atlanta alone. And I would go to that game wearing my Florida tshirt or sweatshirt... and maybe my Florida cap... and maybe, I might get a little crazy and get one of those game day face painting things... I would be PASSIONATE about the Gators... and it would be a big game. And my friend... although they were there with me... and would enjoy the sport and not be uncomfortable or unhappy... they wouldn't be invested in the game the same way I am.
And so it is with having a relationship with someone whose relationship with God is not where yours is... yes, they'll go to church with you... and they'll like the music ok... and enjoy the fellowship... and they'll go away with a good feeling about things... but they won't be as passionate as you are... as inspired... as motivated. I need someone in my life who will get excited with me when a passage of scripture is particularly meaningful or who will be able to remind me of scripture. I need someone whose relationship with God is established to the extent that they can teach me... learn with me...
So when he asks what my relationship with God is... he is not just so much taking my spiritual temperature... he needs to know who I am becoming in Christ and what my level of commitment is to Christ before he can ever be sure of my ability to commit to him. And trust me when I say that I wouldn't have it any other way.
We talked about commitment... about my marriage... and my divorce. I have such a strong conviction that until such time as in the eyes of the law I am no longer bound to another man... that I continue to be bound morally and spiritually as well. My husband would not mind if I began another relationship... in fact... he would be relieved on some levels. But for me.... no. Not yet. There is more to come. After last night things make sense for me that didn't two days ago. I understand more about how cherished I am... how I can be cherished and loved and appreciated by someone who has known me for a long time... and has had time to see all my warts, all my stupid decisions, all my failures... someone who has loved me fat and who has encouraged me in my journey to be thin. I had some clarification. I had some edification. And I just might get to see him today! Stay tuned!

9 comments:

mmmbrown625 said...

Glad you are happy today. I hope today is the first day of the rest of your life!
Ly,
Mary

Myra said...

It warms my heart to hear your happiness radiating! I agree, he knows you, the not so pretty you, and the beautiful you, inside and out! You have your eyes wide open now...tread lightly.

Maire said...

I'm so glad you reconnected with a person in your life who makes you feel so good!
Hugs, maire

Estela said...

Sounds like it was a great conversation. Hope you do get to see him today.

Kelly Dawn said...

woohooooo!!!!!! love you and love hearing you so happy!

Kelly

Sweetnessk71 said...

Hiya. Sounds like a great conversation :). He sounds like a nice guy. Have a great weekend!!

Kris

Tina said...

I am glad you got to have that conversation. I remember once you are talking about the trailer and moving out and how "booty call" was there to help in some way and at the time, I thought to myself, This dude did more to help her move than the guy she is moving in with. And that said a lot to me about your relationship with Michael. I think this dude you spoke with last night saw some of those same things.

You sound great today and You have come so far and learned a lot about yourself since "that day". I think that mountain air has been the best medicine you could find!

cw2smom said...

Wishing you the best with this new situation! I am glad you are happy! I am envious too! ;) It's so tough being single! But, all in God's good time! Have a wonderful Sunday, Lisa

Big Mark 243 said...

A suggestion ... PARAGRAPHS! Talk about a tough read! :)

I actually don't know what to say ... things are so different for guys than it is women. We get to be passive/aggressive, or just plain aggressive at our choosing.

You have beautiful sons, and that includes little Bobby. You are such a beautiful person, and you have a good spirit. Percy Sledge used to sing a song, that I didn't pay heed to, 'Take Time To Know Her'. You may THINK you know, but really, do you?

Just because you want it, doesn't mean it is meant for you. So close to the end of one, to pick up from a memory is a risk. Be careful.