finding balance in my life

I am going to try to balance my deep, philosophical post from yesterday with some random Heather stuff. Life is always weird, right?

Stubby the cat spazzes out in the morning. I'm not sure why. Maybe he gets bored while we're sleeping. Every morning around 5am he starts knocking his head against my bedroom door to get me to open it. I sleep with my door closed because otherwise he climbs up on my pillow every night and walks on my makeshift bedside table (two rubbermaid containers stacked on each other with a bulletin board and a blanket over it to make it look nice - tacky but serviceable) It's sturdy enough for my cellphone and whatever I'm drinking overnight (usually water) but it's not sturdy enough for the cat to walk on. This morning he is trying to exorcise the demons from my carryon luggage which is right outside my closet and empty. Apparently there are some shadows falling on it that freak him out. He has also battled an empty cheetos bag that he found - I guess somewhere beside Austin - he keeps running around with it like a dead bird or something that he has conquered. He also likes candy wrapped in cellophane. He bats it around like he's playing paw hockey. Crazy three legged cat.

I made a huge pot of chili on Saturday with the expectation that we would have a few days of leftovers (i.e. cheap, easy meals). Austin and I are both suffering the effects of eating chili for five meals in a row. Tonight we eat dinner at church... and then tomorrow I'll make some beef stew in the crockpot. Time to retire the chili. I have one more meal intended for it - chili dogs - but we'll have that on Friday night.

I'm not sure if we get paid on Friday the 14th or Monday the 17th since payday is actually the 15th. Either way, I need to conserve funds because the trip to Albany took about $100 that I had not expected to spend... and cost me a day's wages... which I have been trying to make up in bits and pieces... I don't have any commissions ready to add to this paycheck because the big policy I sold hasn't issued yet... at any rate... I have four bills that have to be paid out of this check: car insurance, car payment, water bill and windstream bill. If child support comes on time, I should be fine... I still get a little anxious about paying all the bills myself. I got a little spoiled with Michael taking care of the big stuff. Without a doubt, we will have a conservative Christmas this year. Everyone in my life has what they need... and I can buy/make small gifts to show that I love them without them doing without any necessities.

The important thing for me this holiday season is to just focus on my blessings, on the beauty of where we live, the peace in my heart and life, being a part of a loving church family, having a good job when so many are unable to find/keep work, Ryan's job, that Cody graduated high school, how well Austin is doing in school, that I'm on the way to being healthy again... we have so many wonderful things in our lives that many are doing without. Being able to spend big bucks on presents that will be ripped open in thirty seconds and underappreciated seems so insignificant.

I had Austin's IEP/placement meeting yesterday at the school. He is doing well - pretty much all B's right now - but they can see some potential problems with his lack of organization - this has always been his problem. They had already developed some strategies for teaching him better study and organizational skills. It becomes really important at this stage to stop making accomodations for his lack of ability to organize and to start correcting this dysfunction so that he IS able to go to college and be successful in life. There are no accomodations in the work place for your disabilities when it relates to costing your employer! Austin sat in on the meeting yesterday and participated and was able to make some decisions for himself. This is SO helpful for him to understand what his options and consequences are! We elected to skip the recertification process for special ed. They want to re-evaluate all kids labeled special ed every three years to make sure the diagnosis is still valid. The thought is that some aspects of his diagnosis (Asperger's Syndrome) could resolve themself and that he could be serviced differently or not serviced at all through the school system. Well... it would be great to say, "woohoo! He's healed!" but the reality is that while he has improved in many areas, there are still Asperger's characteristics that still need to be serviced through special ed and still require more intervention than the average student. Regardless of how he tests... we know it's still real.

I have a doctors appointment for next week to (finally) follow up on my issues. The truth is that I am still feeling tired most of the time and although mentally I feel strong, emotionally I feel strong, physically I'm still more tired than I should be and haven't been able to shed any weight, despite being off the meds that were causing the mega-weight gain. I also have to follow up on the blood pressure issues as the anti-depressant they put me on can contribute to high blood pressure (but it's working for me so we have to find a careful balance there). I've also got to start working harder at eating healthy and find time - somehow - to exercise but right now I'm just dragging myself home at the end of the day and going to sleep.... other than Wednesday nights and Sunday nights when we go to church... but those days take a lot out of me!

Austin asked if he could stay after school today to work on a project with his Study Skills teacher. Letmethinkaboutit OOOOOHKAY! This was one of the things we talked about in his meeting yesterday - taking advantage of teacher supervised and assisted study time after school. We can do this on Wednesdays because I get off at 4pm... any other day, it would be hard unless I adjust my hours to leave early another day of the week. Again, I've got to create a balance between working enough and being available to Austin enough.

I haven't heard any updates on Bobby this week. If I don't hear from his dad today, I'll check in with Bobby directly. I want Bobby to know I still care.

The weather is expected to be rainy and cool today... curly hair for sure... Hope you all have a great day!