random Wednesday

New favorite blog: http://www.whateverradio.com/website/blogs.php by Martha Stewart's daughter Alexis and her friend Jennifer, the girls who do the Whatever, Martha tv show. I'm Jennifer's friend on Facebook and messaged with her over the weekend! Woohoo! Contact with a mini-celeb! I couldn't help but think of my Purple Michael who is a Martha Stewart devotee and how much he would love being two degrees from Martha.

My son Ryan is also blogging, as I mentioned. His is on myspace and I don't know if you can read it... I'm not sure if you have to be one of his friends to read his blog. It's nice for me to know what he's doing and where he's going... even if he is talking about the next three tattoos he wants... oy! It's well written (of course!) and nice to know where he is. He was in Minnesota last week, ladies! We're going to have to get his itinerary ahead of time so we can hook him up with my blog buddies in whatever area he travels to! His myspace page is
http://www.myspace.com/rryans so maybe you can find him that way.

Most people who meet my boys are impressed with them. They're not exactly majoring in rocket science at MIT but they are smart, articulate, charming, kind, introspective, enjoyable and witty.

I managed to keep Stubby the 3 legged wondercat/vampire/dog out of my room last night. He knocked around 3am but I ignored him. Yesterday morning I had put some tea bags in my purse to take to the office. I drink hot tea all day long (because it helps keep me from losing my voice when I talk nonstop - I talk a lot at work!) That Durn Cat pulled a couple of tea bags out of my purse and knocked them to the floor and started playing carpet hockey with them! Brat!

During the day at work I am able to email back and forth with Whitney from Jacksonville and Amy from my Uncle's office. Some of this is just chatter but some of it is comparing notes on our job. They are both really good at what they do and I learn alot from them. It's nice to have chatmates! Sometimes I really miss the good old SLLLLLLOW days at Tommy's office. We would watch Jerry Springer... At Kathy's office, because I was part time I had not one second to spare. I was also in such a deep state of depression that I worked and then rushed back home to pull the covers over my head. By the time I was tired of being there, it was time to go home. I would try to run all my errands on the way home so I never had to leave my nest. At Duane's office... it's a steady pace all day long. I'm the first one people see when they come in the door... I'm the first person to pick up the phone.. so there is almost always either someone I'm talking to or working with or I'm trying to finish up my notes and stuff from the people I've talked to already. It makes the day go by faster... because although I love my job... and I'm so grateful to have a job... the days are long.

I forgot to mention something that happened on Sunday that I thought was pretty fantastic - We had gone to lunch at the local mexican restaurant after church. It was me and Austin... Jim, Angie and the girls, our friend Natalie and her daughter Jorgeann, and Amanda, another girl from church. That was at our table. There were probably four other groups from our church at the same restaurant because there just aren't that many places to eat in town - and oneof them, North Georgia Barbeque, is outdoors! So... our food had just arrived and a couple from another table came over and told us that a young couple in our church had just rushed their newborn baby to the hospital. The baby had stopped breathing - dad performed CPR to keep him alive until the paramedics got there. Almost every church member that was there went into the game room and gathered and held hands to pray for this baby and his family. It was, for me, a beautiful encouragement about the devotion of my church members to each other, their faith in God and willingness to live their faith out loud. Trust me, people noticed! The baby survived and they could not find anything wrong with him... tests are still being run.

I can't believe it's already Wednesday! Church tonight... doctor tomorrow... spend the night company for Austin on Friday... a whole weekend off work! Then a 3 day work week and then a nice long break. It almost surprises me how many days have passed. I am still surprised that I live here and not in Jacksonville. There are times that it doesn't quite seem real yet. It will be a relief for me once the divorce is final and I can completely close that chapter of my life. I can't file for divorce here in Georgia until I have been a resident for six months. I seem to do better when I have absolutely no contact with him and can just keep my eyes straight ahead and concentrate on my life here. I'm doing a bible study at www.divorcecare.org that I have done previously (nice one to have to relearn, right?) When Barry and I were together he was conscious that I had many open wounds still from my first divorce. He wanted me to work at healing before we went forward with our relationship. I was initially aggravated at him- I mean, it had been 3-4 years by that point! But I learned so much through the process of concentrating on healing that I ended up being grateful to him for pushing me in that direction.

I guess for some people, the simplest thing is to go from one relationship to another and therefore avoid dealing with the feelings of loneliness and fear that come with a breakup. The questions you subconsciously have... "will I ever find love again?" "what's wrong with me?" "why couldn't HE love me?" ... are really easily answered, at least in the short term with another relationship. I just don't understand - with what I know now - how you can be so disrespectful to you previous relationship, yourself and your new relationship as to just rush forward in that way. I don't believe you heal until you spend some time alone learning your own heart and examining what went wrong, what needs to be fixed in you, thinking about what characteristics you need to find in a mate - and figuring out who you are! Something I realize about myself is that I surrendered my own wants and needs and personality traits WAY too easy... little things like singing in the car and this goofy thing I do of blowing a kiss heavenward when running a yellow light (it's like sending up a prayer that I won't get caught running a redlight)... and although these things don't matter so much, the ease with which I morphed away from who I really am frightens me. I don't ever want to lose myself again. I don't want another relationship EVER if it means not being able to be true to myself, my faith, the desires of my heart.

Ok... gotta make sure I'm not running late today! Love and hugs! Have a great Wednesday!