thankful Thursday

First of all... my doctor's appointment is tomorrow, not today. I would say that I feel stupid for getting it mixed up but I was sitting at my desk at work when I made the appointment and I had my calendar open. I know that I entered what she told me... so I although I wasn't inconvenienced that much by the error... I don't accept the blame for it! *laugh*

Secondly... I'm glad I have an appointment. I am having horrible back pain. The only thing I can relate it to is the pain I had this past April when I had that nasty kidney infection. I haven't got time for the pain. I haven't got time to be sick. I'm hoping I have some random pulled muscle rather than the kidney infection! Anything but that! I can't remember another time when I was so miserable!

Third... I blog about a lot but there is a lot more that I am not able to blog about due to circumstances and repercussions of what I say. There are a couple of things up under my skin today that are making me feel very agitated and anxious. I hate this feeling. They are all things that I have no control over and that I really need to just put behind me... cut my losses... let 'em go... and I can't. And the fact that I can't makes me even more anxious.

I'm not going to do anything drastic. I'm not going to do anything at all. I feel myself pulling back again. I feel myself withdrawing and wanting to do nothing but work and come home and climb into my nest. I am having to fight harder to keep my head above water emotionally and it pisses me off, quite honestly. Every day it seems like another layer of the onion is pulled back and it just stinks more and more. It seems like every day brings a new issue to the table and I want to scream, "enough already!"

The other side of that is that there are some opportunities that have presented themself that would allow me an outlet... but they are things that I am convinced are not healthy for me. I feel compromised and frustrated and know that there is a temporary fix available... it's almost like a drug addict battling against a hit. I wish I could be more specific... but just know that there is a struggle going on in my heart and mind that seems terribly unfair. And for this reason, I am relieved to be going to the doctor tomorrow.

There is also fear for me in going to the doctor. The last doctor visit I had was prior to my suicide attempt. I expressed to her how desperate I felt and she basically gave me a bullet for my gun by prescribing me a variety of meds that I overdosed on that very same week. I know I need to see a doctor but it scares me to death knowing how easy it is to obtain things that are more a problem than a solution. I'm afraid to even take ibuprofen at this point. If it wasn't for the sheer fatigue from lack of sleep when I don't take ambien, I would never take it. When I'm exhausted it's much more difficult to keep my spirits up so it didn't take me long to realize I had to be able to sleep at night. I really struggle to make sure I don't take it too early in the evening and use it as an escape.

I guess this is just a peek behind the curtain. I know that with the holidays coming up that I'm going to struggle a bit more. I am trying to prepare myself for that. Not because I want to go back, mind you, but because I'm just going through the grieving process. It would be real easy for me to be all sunshine and roses but I really think you can understand my highs better when you bear witness to my lows, if that makes sense.

I am proud of myself for working the whole day today when I felt really anxious and wanted to go home. I am proud of myself for not taking anything for anxiety, although I could... if I wanted to. I am proud of myself for coming home, cleaning up, making a reasonable dinner (salad and baked potato), blowing off steam chatting with a friend rather than immediately getting in bed and pulling the covers over my head, spending some time with Austin, and basically just moving forward one breath at a time. Sometimes that's all you can do. There's no great shame in admitting that it's a breath by breath day instead of a ten foot tall and bullet proof day.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. Romans 12:17-21

I don't view this passage as saying that you are going to like, dump flaming charcoals on someone... as in cause searing pain to them... I believe it means that you rekindle the fire of life within them... that in repaying evil with kindness, you can change the course of someone's life. I also take comfort, I can't lie to you, in knowing that God exacts His own justice on people and although my heart is too soft toward those who can truly be held responsible for the emotional turmoil in my life to really WISH evil on them, I have to tell ya... I'm ok with God's consequences for all of us.

The other thing... truth is like ivory soap... it always rises to the surface. You can do everything in your power to hide the truth and it still pops up. Even if you think there are no consequences to dishonesty, it becomes a cancer on your character. It erodes you from within. Truth is healing, restorative, freeing...

Ok... enough Heatherism... my thankful Thursday list:

1. for crushes... Max Hodges (the long haired blonde guy on TMZ) just makes me smile for no good reason... he's so cute!

2. for the new big plastic cups I bought at Walmart today - four for a dollar - we had been given a dozen or so nice glasses... but I'm more of a big plastic cup kind of girl

3. Ugly Betty. Guilty pleasure.

4. microwave baked potatoes. They're awesome.

5. vacations. getaways. travel. escapes.... and the relief they bring...

6. living in the place that was always one of my favorite vacation getaways.

7. living so close to my nieces - next week I will be Sarabeth's special guest at her Thanksgiving dinner at school! This is the kind of everyday relationship I always wanted!

8. Austin's reconnection with his "best cousin". Devin is able to talk on the phone after seven at night and we have this little rhyme, "Devin after seven" that makes us both giggle. It's goofy but... well... you use what you have.

9. Being wide awake and dealing with stuff still at 8pm. I can do this!

10. My job. Enjoyable coworkers. Enjoyable past coworkers who email me every day still.

11. Being reminded that an old flame is still interested/concerned about me today. I'm not going there... but it's nice to know I could if I wanted! *wink*

12. My "pocket Mexican"... the little spanish guy who is a friend of a client and has a crush on me. He came by the office today and although I'm not the least bit interested in him (sorry, I'm into tall guys... we all have our preferences!) it's flattering to be admired. I need that little ego boost.

13. Health insurance and available, affordable medical care. I didn't always have it and I will never take it for granted.

14. cold weather and warm woolies

15. jeans day tomorrow!

Hope you all have a great evening! *hugs*