my thoughts today

I'm still struggling to process the fact that Misty is gone. I didn't sleep well and every time I would wake up I would immediately think, "Misty is dead". It's just so unimagineable. I keep checking her myspace page... a few comments have come in from her friends... I keep looking at the pictures she has posted there... I keep thinking about the baseball games where we sat together and cheered Bobby on... when Michael and I first got together I would go with him to most games and would inevitably end up sitting with Misty... she would even go out to eat with us after the game... they (Michael and Misty) had a good relationship. I think because she had long since stopped seeing him in any romantic light and was able to just appreciate him for the role he played in her life - as devoted father to her son. Our last telephone conversation was with Misty convincing me that whatever Michael promised to do for me financially, that he would do... and he has. I was comforted by her words because she knew Michael better in some ways than I will ever have the opportunity to... and I trusted her opinions.

On her myspace page she says, "I have realized that the people you love can be taken from you truly at any minute"... and she also says, "Never take someone for granted, Hold every person Close to your Heart because you might awaken one day and realize that you've lost a diamond while you were busy collecting stones".

I haven't cried yet. I will. I am going to try to go down to Albany for the funeral. Yesterday at Target I bought a black dress. The last time I bought a black dress my dad's cousin Leslie died. I think I'm done buying black dresses! I know it's not the buying of the dress that does it... that it's God's way of providing. I mean... it would have been hard to find time any time between now and whenever her funeral is to buy a dress. Last night I lay awake thinking that Michael will need to buy Bobby an outfit to wear... last summer when Michael was buying school clothes for Bobby he wasn't sure what size he wore... he wanted to get him 8s and I told him that he needed a ten, maybe even a 12... he's grown so much... I'm thinking of these details for Bobby and I know Michael will know this... I know he doesn't need me or Bobby's mom to remind him that kids need decent clothes for funerals. Michael has always been a very hands on parent... he gets it... but there is this part of me that feels like I've let Misty down because I won't be there to help raise Bobby. Little boys need mamas. And Michael will do fine... and he will probably find some woman to share his life and she will be there... and hopefully be able to love Bobby.... but she won't have known Misty. She won't have known how sincerely and deeply she loved him. She won't know how to handle Bobby when he's being bratty... or that he loves to go to the library and get books about big army equipment.... or what kind of yogurt to buy for him... or how to make his peanut butter and jelly sandwiches...

I guess I'm saying that I'm mourning the loss of my marriage in a whole new way. I still believe that God's ways are perfect and I know with all of my heart and everything in me that if I had stayed, that there would have been two funerals... mine would have been first. I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I know that Misty understood better than anyone in the whole entire world why I couldn't stay with Michael. She had felt a lot of the same hurts that I had... she knew his shortcomings better than anyone else... she knew what I was going through, how hard it was to love him, yet never really have him.

In some ways I think that God had intended for me to be there to help raise Bobby...maybe that was the initial purpose of our relationship... but then when I think about how Michael interacts with Bobby and how their relationship works, I know that our marriage was/is too fragile to handle having another child to raise together. It didn't work when we tried to raise Cody together... raising Stephen together was one battle after another.... we butted heads on raising Austin so many times that we have permanent bruises.... and we never agreed on how to handle Bobby. So... I understand that God, in His providence and wisdom, knew that I had to move on so that Michael would be in a position to assume full time parenting duties without any other variables. I know that what happened with me was part of God's plan, part of a great tapestry He is weaving together with all of our lives.

For every day since "it" happened to me six weeks ago... I have prayed so intensely for Michael... I have asked God that He give Michael wisdom and prosperity and peace and happiness. I have prayed for Michael's success and a knowledge and relationship of a living God. I believe that the prayers of a righteous person are effective. I believe that because I was in a unique position of needing to use prayer to heal myself... and because my healing required forgiveness... and because the hurts were so new and fresh, I had to forgive a lot and pray a lot and bring Michael before the throne of God a lot... I believe he is prepared for this journey, this new crisis, in a way he may not have been before our breakup. And please know that this is because of God... not because of me. I was just seeking to ease my own pain in the only way I know how.

Gods ways are not our ways. They just aren't. We can never understand what he has planned for us. Michael couldn't have known ten years ago when he met Misty that they would have a child that they would raise separately... and that at some point he would raise him alone. He couldn't have known this would happen six weeks after his wife attempted suicide and subsequently left him. He couldn't have known that this would happen in the middle of a job change. None of us was prepared for this... Misty's last text to me was to send a picture of Brennan. I wrote back and asked how the big brother was doing... she said, "so proud!". She didn't know... we didn't know... but God knew. And I believe with all of my heart that God orchestrated all of these things to prepare us... specifically Michael and Bobby... for a different parent/child relationship.

Six weeks ago Michael called Misty to tell her he didn't know if I would make it. Yesterday he called me to tell me that Misty hadn't made it. It's unthinkable.

Last night I spoke to Michael as he and Bobby were on the way to their hotel with Tim and Elijah (you can see Elijah on my sidebar... he's beautiful!). All four Darby men were laughing and joking with each other about .... of all things... roadkill. We joked about Tim's large print bible that he had with him... because even though he is only 42, his vision is not great.... we joked about people in other cars being able to read the bible as they drove down the road... silly things... normal things... things that are helpful to make a kid realize that although that day was probably the most tragic in his entire life... he would still find joy.

Ok. Now I'm crying. God is just so amazing. He prepares us and provides for us and gives us peace in the midst of a storm.