My People

My People
My matched set of grandchildren - Oliver and Cosette

Sunday, November 30, 2008

question and answer:

Question? If you knew things would be this good would you have left him sooner?

I feel like I need to answer this question not just for myself but for anyone else who is at a crossroads in their life.

The answer is that I don't think I would have ever left him. I talked about it. I thought about it. I threatened it. But at the end of the day I believed in the sanctity and permanence of marriage. I never wanted to leave him. I wanted to change him. I wanted him to be the man I thought he was. I wanted to be able to be the girl he thought I was. Until the day he said to me that he had tried to love me and couldn't - I honestly thought that we would always just have this passionately tumultous relationship. I thought we were just quirky and spunky and spirited and dysfunctional and weird. I thought that was meant to be. It was only when I realized that not only did he not love me but that he had also shifted his energy and focus to someone else that I began to understand that we would not be married until death.

Now... understand that it was that feeling that we were committed until death that sometimes made me want to speed up the process and get to that point a little faster. I truly felt I had no options. And when I share my story and I post my pictures of my happy little cozy home it's because I know that there are people who read my blog who also feel like they don't have options.

I hate divorce. I did not want to be divorced again. I don't want to be the poster child for how great life is when you leave your husband. It was only thru an enormous amount of prayer and soul searching and honestly - fear that the next suicide attempt would be successful - that made me leave out of complete desperation.

God is faithful. All during the time that I was living in Jacksonville and soooo very discouraged... I would pray and I would hear God answer me by saying, "Be still and know that I am God". I didn't like that answer. Ok. Fine. I get it. You're God. Now do something! Fix it! MAKE HIM LOVE ME! He knew what I couldn't know... that He was orchestrating a beautiful plan that could only come about when I hit rock bottom. It was only that point of desperation that allowed others to know how deeply wounded I was. It was that cry for help that sent people to their knees in prayer... that motivated my rescue team... that made a way for me where I could see no way.

I listen to people differently than I used to. I used to get impatient and want to interrupt with my answers before they were finished presenting the problem. I look at their eyes. I repeat what they say back to them. I ask more questions. I figure if someone who talks as much I as do couldn't communicate the desperation I was feeling - how much difficult is it for people who aren't so chatty and open? I want to be able to hear cries for help while they are still whispers.

I still love Michael. I pray for him every day. I pray that God will turn his heart back to his wife and that God will heal our marriage. I pray that she will return to her husband and that her family will be reunited because I believe that God ordained marriage. I ache for her husband and for her children. I pray for them daily by name and ask God to heal their marriage. I ache for Bobby and Stephen because I love them and want to be their stepmother. I can't trust that any other woman could ever love them the way I do. I ache for Michael's nephews Elijah and Christopher because I don't know that they will have another aunt that loved them as I did (except Michael's sisters, of course). I miss my mother-in-law. It still hurts when I talk to him on the phone that I can't end the phone call with "I love you" and have it do anything other than make him uncomfortable. It hurts to not have that love received or returned.

I know that I could never live with my husband again unless things drastically and dramatically changed and I am at peace with my decision to leave... but I only have that peace because I know that I did it only after seeking God's will and direction for my life. I still don't like it. I am happy here and I am blessed and I have a beautiful life... but I still don't like that my marriage was not saved.

I couldn't have left any sooner than I did. I would say that if I had anything to do over again it would have been to listen to my heart before I married him in the first place. I knew. I knew it would not work. I knew it wasn't right. I knew I would never realize my full potential as a wife and mother and Christian and sister and aunt and daughter and so on while married to him. I knew that our paths were different. I wanted to make it fit when it didn't.

Thank you for asking. I hope my answer makes sense.


Barbara said...

It make all kinds of sense to me.

Myra said...

It makes total sense, and you articulated it very well!

sober white women said...

I understand.

Remo said...

Been there - felt that. Well, I mean except for the whole "wife" part. You know what I mean. Anyways...

If you keep making so much sense you might have to give up the whole notion that there is something wrong with you.

'Cuz we don't see it. :)

Anonymous said...

I'd like you to consider a couple of ideas.

To some degree, I think perhaps you're giving more credit to the divine and not enough to you and other caring people in your life.

I certainly understand and respect the power of prayer for you, but the magic, or divinity if you prefer, of being human is the self conscious ability to make choices.

You made the choices which led you to Jacksonville. You made the choice to leave, and you made decisions regarding what you recognized as provident.

You get some credit here as do the people who showed you compassion, affection, support, respect or love.

The same goes for trying to change another person. That is something that mere mortals cannot do with out great costs. It's possible for one person to change another, but that almost always comes with fallout.

Can there be a divine spark? Yes. However, the change made through self conscious reflection is, in some ways, a stronger one than one made with out it.

Love and respect the spirit? Indeed, but respect and love yourself and your power as well.

Anonymous said...

I do understand and it makes so much sense to me Thank you so much for answering it! I belive you have been very real with all of us you never just say what we want to hear You tell the hole heart felt truth and that makes me even more want to come and see whats going on with you we all long to hear someone make it after such pain and I smile everytime I come here to read about you even the bad days you have always have hope!! I remember before when you were with your Husband I felt no hope in your writing you just seemed so lost Now there is this happiness I belive it is because you have given it all to God! You have a beautiful way of writing! If I ever wanted to write a book I would call you! But dont worrie nothing like that anytime soon lol :) Anyway God Bless you and your Family Kat:)

Big Mark 243 said...

Wow, you don't let the grass grow between yr entries! Said what I said, still think it is as valid as ever, but I do feel you, in your answer both emotionally and spiritually.

It is hard, this moving on and past is it not? Especially when you have accepted that things would be things, and that was a part of y'all loving.

In many ways, it makes my heart ache with the memory of what I once hoped would happen but for whatever reason, didn't.

Take you time, and tread carefully. *Hugs*

Maire said...

your an honourable woman & it was very well said, and made perfect sense...

JennBand08 said...

Beautiful Entry. You are such a kind spirit.

slj said...

Heather, so much of this entry could have been written in my own journal.
My divorce was in April, moved out of our house in June.
You write as though you have read my thoughts. It's actually nice to see it in print. Thanks for sharing.

D said...

Everyone does things that make others go,"Wait! Why did you do that?" It's not up for anyone else to judge our choices. Hopefully now you can find your path and your bliss because you do deserve it!

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