My People

My People
My People - Cosette, Austin, Oliver, Cody, me & Ryan. Just think, had I not lived, these people wouldn't be on the planet. They are my whole heart!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

over my rant - I'm caffeinated

Sorry about my pre-coffee rant this morning... I'm over it now... It's all the pre-election posturing that drives me crazy. I'm excited about watching the returns, regardless of who wins. Let the people speak without all the spin!

I'm starting to wonder if I'm allergic to Austin's cat. I just noticed how bad my eyes burn at night... I had been thinking it was the mascara I'm using... but it doesn't start until I get home and the cat rubs all against me. I mentioned it to Austin and he freaked...

I'm trying to think back over the day to remember what I want to share... it was such a normal day. I went to work... it was busy enough but not crazy busy... I remembered to bring my lunch after emailing with one of my sister in laws about my (poor) eating habits.... I made a pork roast in the crockpot and Austin stuck sweet potato fries in the oven so that dinner was ready when I walked in the door from work...

Austin is really stressing me out. He put the fries in the oven and went down to his friend's house to play. Not only that.... but he put the fries on the lowest rack of the oven because he didn't want to move my iron skillet out of the oven... these are not exactly crimes of crisis but it's a trend toward irresponsibility. He has about five chores to do every afternoon: make sure the dishes are done and put away, get in the mail, take out the trash, make tea, make sure his room is cleaned and that's he's picked up behind himself. None of these are particularly labor intensive... he could do them all in about twenty minutes... but every single day I come home and have to get on his case about chores.

Stephen used to hide in his room when I came home from work because I always came in the door fussing... I still do it... it's just so aggravating that I have to be a broken record every single day. I give consequences but apparently those don't carry enough weight.

The school contacted me today to let me know they need Austin's shot record and social security card... I told them it would be next week before I could handle that. The attendance lady is actually really sweet... she's learned it's best to email me during the day instead of trying to call.

We have a call center for State Farm that calls and schedules appointments for us with our clients. I volunteered (because I need the extra hours and potential extra commission) to take Saturday appointments. I have one this weekend and one next weekend. It will help... just cross your fingers and send up prayers that they are PROFITABLE appointments! I set a goal of selling six life insurance policies for the month of November. I need to make good on that... and I need the commission from it. If all goes well, I'll close two tomorrow, even though I'm not going to be at work...

I have struggled to stay focused this week. Today was better than yesterday... except for when I talked to Bobby... and then I hung up in tears. Bobby is doing very well, all things considered. He's had some "moments" and his dad is prepared for more "moments". I spent a lot of time in prayer today and that both helps and humbles me. It's so empowering to spend that sort of quiet meditation time... it helps with my lack of focus... lets me focus on the things that really matter or rather, lets me focus on God and allow Him to focus my mind on the things that matter. I'm finding that when I really let go and quiet my mind and let Him fill my mind... and speak to my heart... that I have so much clarity and peace. The Power of God is so incredible... I wish I could explain it to you in a way that you could understand but it's just one of those, "if you've never been there you won't get it" sort of things. I'm just... in summary... feeling closure on a lot of things that were troubling...

I haven't heard from my friend Mary in Alabama yet... her husband was running for county office... I'm anxious to see if he won! Let us know, Mary!

I just got a call from my boss wishing me well tomorrow. He said he forgot to say anything before I left and he wanted to let me know he was praying for me... and wanted me to have a safe trip. Seriously... how many bosses do that? He's from the Albany area so he knows what a long trip it will be... and I'm not one who travels well... but I'm confident that it will be fine.

It's just like so many other things in my life over the past six weeks... just something I have to do, even if it's hard. The hours I'm working are hard for me... being alone is hard...dealing with Austin is hard... recovering and healing is hard... and I realized last night while talking to a friend that there are huge parts of my story that I haven't shared with anyone... things that I just processed and moved on... because that's what I had to do to survive. I guess at this point I just want to live well and prosper and work toward a future and be hopeful and not linger in bitterness and dwell in sadness. I can't plan far in advance and I can't fix far in the past. I have to commit all my energy to starting where I am, using what I have and doing what I can. I have to rely on God, keep moving, keep believing and just, if nothing else, get out of bed every morning and do the best I can to stay joyful.

I will say this: I have never in my life been as happy as I am now. That may sound weird... but I think it's because I have perspective now... I've learned to appreciate life so much more. I've learned that every day is a gift, and that's not just some corny cliche. I am blessed to have the life and opportunities I have. The lesson I was already learning just by what I have gone through was impressed so much more strongly on my heart by Misty's death. I vow to not take any day for granted.

Even days when I post grumpy decaffeinated political rants.

*Hugs* to all of you.

2 comments:

Sweetnessk71 said...

hiya. Have a safe trip out there and back. take care and god bless

Kris

Ericanbiloxi said...

To me, you sound like you are in a good place and that you are doing everything possible to be happy. As the ole sayin goes....
Don't ask God to lead the way, if you are not willing to move your feet.