Question? If you knew things would be this good would you have left him sooner?
I feel like I need to answer this question not just for myself but for anyone else who is at a crossroads in their life.
The answer is that I don't think I would have ever left him. I talked about it. I thought about it. I threatened it. But at the end of the day I believed in the sanctity and permanence of marriage. I never wanted to leave him. I wanted to change him. I wanted him to be the man I thought he was. I wanted to be able to be the girl he thought I was. Until the day he said to me that he had tried to love me and couldn't - I honestly thought that we would always just have this passionately tumultous relationship. I thought we were just quirky and spunky and spirited and dysfunctional and weird. I thought that was meant to be. It was only when I realized that not only did he not love me but that he had also shifted his energy and focus to someone else that I began to understand that we would not be married until death.
Now... understand that it was that feeling that we were committed until death that sometimes made me want to speed up the process and get to that point a little faster. I truly felt I had no options. And when I share my story and I post my pictures of my happy little cozy home it's because I know that there are people who read my blog who also feel like they don't have options.
I hate divorce. I did not want to be divorced again. I don't want to be the poster child for how great life is when you leave your husband. It was only thru an enormous amount of prayer and soul searching and honestly - fear that the next suicide attempt would be successful - that made me leave out of complete desperation.
God is faithful. All during the time that I was living in Jacksonville and soooo very discouraged... I would pray and I would hear God answer me by saying, "Be still and know that I am God". I didn't like that answer. Ok. Fine. I get it. You're God. Now do something! Fix it! MAKE HIM LOVE ME! He knew what I couldn't know... that He was orchestrating a beautiful plan that could only come about when I hit rock bottom. It was only that point of desperation that allowed others to know how deeply wounded I was. It was that cry for help that sent people to their knees in prayer... that motivated my rescue team... that made a way for me where I could see no way.
I listen to people differently than I used to. I used to get impatient and want to interrupt with my answers before they were finished presenting the problem. I look at their eyes. I repeat what they say back to them. I ask more questions. I figure if someone who talks as much I as do couldn't communicate the desperation I was feeling - how much difficult is it for people who aren't so chatty and open? I want to be able to hear cries for help while they are still whispers.
I still love Michael. I pray for him every day. I pray that God will turn his heart back to his wife and that God will heal our marriage. I pray that she will return to her husband and that her family will be reunited because I believe that God ordained marriage. I ache for her husband and for her children. I pray for them daily by name and ask God to heal their marriage. I ache for Bobby and Stephen because I love them and want to be their stepmother. I can't trust that any other woman could ever love them the way I do. I ache for Michael's nephews Elijah and Christopher because I don't know that they will have another aunt that loved them as I did (except Michael's sisters, of course). I miss my mother-in-law. It still hurts when I talk to him on the phone that I can't end the phone call with "I love you" and have it do anything other than make him uncomfortable. It hurts to not have that love received or returned.
I know that I could never live with my husband again unless things drastically and dramatically changed and I am at peace with my decision to leave... but I only have that peace because I know that I did it only after seeking God's will and direction for my life. I still don't like it. I am happy here and I am blessed and I have a beautiful life... but I still don't like that my marriage was not saved.
I couldn't have left any sooner than I did. I would say that if I had anything to do over again it would have been to listen to my heart before I married him in the first place. I knew. I knew it would not work. I knew it wasn't right. I knew I would never realize my full potential as a wife and mother and Christian and sister and aunt and daughter and so on while married to him. I knew that our paths were different. I wanted to make it fit when it didn't.
Thank you for asking. I hope my answer makes sense.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Question? If you knew things would be this good would you have left him sooner?
Posted by Heather at 6:56 PM
Posted by Heather at 3:58 PM
Saturday, November 29, 2008
All of my boxes are FINALLY unpacked with the addition of the bookshelf and curio cabinet.
Posted by Heather at 6:42 PM
Posted by Heather at 7:30 AM
Friday, November 28, 2008
Do you guys remember the Sears Christmas Catalog? I think it was called the Wish Book. Do they still make those? I haven't seen a Sears catalog in ages. Mama and Daddy had an Ikea catalog that was pretty exciting...
I've been watching Tori and Dean all evening. One of those ridiculous fascinations. I don't know why they interest me.
I think I need a Garmin.
If I HAD been shopping today Macy's had some great deals. I can tell that retailers are really trying to move merchandise this year. There was this great chafing (sp?) dish that was only $8.99.
I am starting to love cranberry juice.
Austin has a sore throat but he is rearranging the living room for our Christmas tree. He is also cleaning out the litter box... apparently the poop is getting to him. Usually you can't smell it. Today you can. My husband is gagging while reading this.
I have a new afghan on my bed... it's this really beautiful columbian blue color that matches my other bed linens. My grandmother made it during her martyr period (may God rest her soul). She always told my mom that she went blind making it. Mom didn't have a use for it but we couldn't throw out something that grandma sacrificed her eyesight on... so it's on my bed. And it's beautiful.
My cousin Melissa told me a story yesterday about Grandma serving possum when her parents were newleyweds. My first question was, "where did she get it?" I mean... it's not like you can pick it up at the Piggly Wiggly.
I just saw a Horton in the Macy's ad! I have a Horton that Michael bought me earlier this year. I was so excited about Horton that he bought me Hop on Pop, Yertle the Turtle and Fox with Sox too. The Macy's Horton TALKS! I wonder if I can buy one online....?
Not that I exactly have dough to blow but I've been thinking about investing in a good handbag. I've never been materialistic... but I like the idea of having a good, grownup purse instead of my Fauxch purse. (it's like the target knockoff of Coach).
I don't understand the whole threadcount thing. Is higher better? Candice... help me out... I just always smile and nod like I know the difference. I usually sleep on top of the covers. I know it's crazy... it's just what I do. I love a made up bed so much that I can't stand to unmake it to sleep in it. Sheets don't matter so much to me.
Tomorrow I'm also getting my curio cabinet that is being recycled from Jim and Angie, I think. I'm very excited about how nice my house is going to look after this weekend. I need to have a housewarming party or something... hmmm... entertaining... am I ready for this?
I had this epiphany this afternoon about why God ordained that marriage should be for life... I mean... you fall in love when you're both young and hot. You procreate when you're still in that category... you go through all the insanity of raising kids... by the time they're teenagers and nobody can stand them - even themselves - you're both genetically invested so you team up and join together to battle the forces of evil... after going through all of this together, when she starts going through menopause and he has his midlife crisis there is enough of a deep rooted bond to forgive each other for their shortcomings... and then when you get old and grey and start losing parts, you love the person inside the aging shell so much that you couldn't stand to leave. That's what I believe marriage should be. I'm about twenty years behind schedule...
I am craving ahi tuna. I don't think there's anywhere to have it here. The nearest Outback Steakhouse is about 45 minutes away.
Maybe a Dooney & Burke purse.... I'll have to get tires first. That's my next big money expenditure.
Have you seen the Barbie Karaoke Styling Head? I had one of those big Barbie heads that you could style. Now they kind of freak me out... this big ole random decapitated Barbie... but I've got to check out the Karaoke feature since Jamie has asked for a new Barbie for Christmas and that child loves to sing...
It's Friday night y'all... and I'm laying on my big cozy bed with my laptop, the sales papers and Tori and Dean... I'm living large!
There is a place near us where they sell log furniture. Austin REALLY wants a log coffee table. I don't know why. It wouldn't be terribly out of place with our living room furniture but I'm not sure why he likes that look so much. I need to take him by that store and let him browse. I have a feeling it will be terribly expensive.
Ok... enough random thoughts for one day... g'night y'all!
Posted by Heather at 6:57 PM
I realize that I'm probably the last blogger on blogger.com who still has a fall motif. I have picked out a cute Christmas background but when I went to update my template, it said I was going to lose all my widgets. I love my widgets. I don't want to lose or recreate them. I have to figure out how to update the template without losing my stuff. If anyone knows... please leave me some simple instructions!
I have some pictures from my day... I tried to arrange them in chronological order and that wasn't as successful as I had hoped. Oh well. You don't come here because I'm a webmistress... but because I say a lot.
So I will say... today was a good day. I started with breakfast with my school friend, Mary.... we then made a run to the mall... I bought ONE thing... a comforter set that was marked down from $140 to $20... and then I had to get the heck out of dodge. I'm just not a Mall Girl. Mary stayed and did some more shopping but she's way more hardcore Christmas than me. I'm the flakey one. She's always responsible... she probably has finished her Christmas shopping now. I haven't even thought about it.
Posted by Heather at 5:46 PM
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Posted by Heather at 10:19 PM
1. My Uncle Al - Melissa's dad and my mom's oldest brother. My mom has four brothers, just like me, but she also has a younger and older sister. Aunt Ginger is her oldest sister.
2. Sarabeth loved the purple hats!
3. Jamie and the tea party hat! We had yoohoo to drink and chocolate chip cookies!
Posted by Heather at 10:15 PM
1. Me sick on Sunday... looking a little drained...
2. Me and cousin Melissa today... I'm looking a bit better, right?
3. PART of the food.. we had a huge spread and there were tons of leftovers. We had turkey, dressing, sweet potato casserole, squash casserole, green bean casserole, corn casserole (It's the south, y'all!) broccoli salad, fruit salad, green salad, deviled eggs, cranberry sauce, sausage balls, pumpkin pie... and so on and so on!
4. My aunt Ginger and my sister in law Angie
Posted by Heather at 10:12 PM
Posted by Heather at 10:07 PM
My best cousin Melissa and myself. We also took pictures with my other best cousin, Christie, who is about ten months pregnant... but we didn't take any of those on my camera... I'll have to wait to share those...
You'll notice in the picture of the table scape that my overloaded first plate is in the bottom right hand corner... complete with cran-grape to drink! We ate at the "Princess Table" where you had to wear earrings and have manners.
Later we had a tea party in the dollroom... I mean... it doesn't get much more girly... and you'll notice Austin there with his own little teacup. Jamie is wearing one of Aunt Ginger's red hat hats.
Posted by Heather at 10:02 PM
It's been a good day. Here's one picture of me and Cody from a few minutes ago. I've got a couple dozen more pictures to share... but I'm not sure I'll get there tonight.
Just a few things - Ryan, Stephen, Ali... I got your texts today and was not able to respond yet. *hugs* to all of you.
Michael - your pie looked amazing.
Purple Michael - are you in Chicago or Atlanta?
Melissa - thank you for trusting me. Having family is not such a bad thing.
Jen - did your family end up with salmonella? Did the turkey thaw? Any tips? I have a turkey to cook on Saturday and I am pretty sure it's not thawed and won't be.
I made the most amazing corn casserole... I'll post the recipe later.
The sausage ball problem from yesterday was my fault. I miscalculated. Oops.
I have a cyber crush. You know who you are!
Tomorrow will be another busy day... busy=happy.
Love to all y'all.
Posted by Heather at 9:47 PM
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
I have tried to make an entry several times today and it's just not happening. Bear with me. I have too many thoughts.
Yesterday I wrote C or A on my hand... to remind myself to do everything without complaining or arguing. That was from my bible study yesterday morning. Having that blue magic marker temporary tattoo was a great reminder and a great opportunity to share. By last night, even my little niece Jamie (who is almost 4) asked me, "have you been complaining?" It was a great way to keep my attitude in check.
You know... being miserable and grumpy and angry hurts me far worse than it hurts anyone else.
This morning I prayed that God would help me not feel so frustrated/disappointed with the outcome of my marriage. God told me I was going to have to suffer a bit longer. Ok... no, there wasn't a loud booming voice... but some scripture came to my mind...
"... but the God of all grace who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast" 1 Peter 5:10
I hate to exercise. For a period of time I was very consistent in my exercise routine, starting every morning with at least 30 minutes of treadmill or elliptical. I hated every minute of it. I hated being hot and tired and sweaty. I hated that my lungs burned and my legs ached. But the reward of consistent exercise was feeling good and looking good and being able to wear cute clothes.
Suffering, I believe, is exercise for your spirit. I got way more exercise than I wanted today.
I went to work for about five hours. I went to the doctor. I came home. Simple enough, right?
Work was fine. I have a car loan that will probably close next week... which gives me a nice little addition to my next paycheck... just in time for Christmas. I didn't feel good at work... but I haven't felt well in awhile.
I left my husband two months ago today. I still miss him. I'm still angry about what happened and why. I still resent her. I still hurt. This random thought in the middle of another train of thought is a perfect example of what my life is like... happy happy happy sad angry happy frustrated happy grateful happy blessed strong sick happy sad... all over the board.
I left work and went to the doctor and my suspicions were correct... I am not better. She gave me a shot of rocephin... if you haven't had a shot lately... they still hurt. It hurts afterwards. It hurts bad enough that you forget what ailed you that made you need the shot in the first place. She did blood work. She ordered an ultrasound to check for kidney stones (there are none) and signs that my kidneys aren't working correctly (they are). She gave me a prescription for levaquin which is relatively strong and which always makes me nauseated. She also gave me a prescription for something to ease the nausea and something for pain.
I left the doctor's office and did my grocery run. You can imagine how crowded that little Ingles was. I was really in pain. I saw my friend Pam who is a cashier there and she cheered me up a bit. I then went to the pharmacy to get my meds. There was no line and they were ready and I was in and out quickly.
I came home to a huge mess. Austin had not only NOT done his chores but had taken apart this toy that had a couple hundred tiny plastic pegs and they were all over the living room, kitchen and my room. He had dirty dishes intertwined with his blankets. It looked like a frat house. I wanted to cry. Actually, I did cry. I have been home for over four hours and I have been dealing with him and his chores and his messes ever since. I am beyond frustrated. I am overwhelmed. He is too old to be so destructive. I am too sick to have to hover over a kid to get him to understand that he can't leave cheese shreds to mold on the counter or that he can't put dirty dishes under the couch or that he can't eat a whole dozen eggs for breakfast and then leave the remains stuck to the pan on top of the stove. Every. Single. Thing. He has done today. Has been. An enormous. Battle.
I put broccoli on to steam for my broccoli salad and asked Austin to watch it (while he was cleaning the kitchen - the mess he made) and tell me when it boiled. He forgot... it got mushy. We'll have broccoli casserole instead. I had Austin mix up the sausage balls for me. He somehow got too much water in it and the dough was runny. He carried the big Home Interior picture that I have had for twenty years that he broke *accidentally* to the trash and managed to get shards of glass everywhere. He has gone in and out of my room a thousand times this afternoon while I was trying to sleep off the nausea and affects of the anti-nausea meds and he has managed to slam the door every time except one. Instead of folding the washclothes and dish towels he rolled them into long tubes and tried to store them on the counter in my bathroom.
I am no Martha Stewart but dish towels do not go on the bathroom counter and a child who has lived with me for 14 years really ought to know that.
Before anyone starts thinking that I am breaking child labor laws... you should know that his chores are pretty basic... he has to clean up behind himself... run the dishwasher and empty it... sweep the kitchen floor... take out the trash. Minor.
He ends up having a lot to clean up because he makes a lot of messes.
Sidebar... it really gets on my nerves when people pronounce the word, "children" chur-dren. There is an L in it.
Between seeing the doctor... waiting on an ultrasound... waiting on blood work... waiting to see the doctor again... I had a lot of time to read my friend Matt's book. Here's an excerpt (shared without permission) "Sadly, we live in jails of our own making. We walk in the unseen prisons of pursuits that leave us more empty than when we began. The hunger of the heart will not be satisfied in the love of another person."
Yes, there is suffering in my life and I believe it will be there for awhile still to come. My hour by hour life is really not bad. When I look back over big stretches of time it is painful. When I try to think ahead over a big stretch of my future, it is scary. The here and now is ok.
PS... yes, I am taking my medicine and drinking cranberry juice and resting.
Posted by Heather at 6:25 PM
I'll be going in to work early this morning to try to make up some of the hours I'll miss going to the doctor today. I slept well last night and woke up around 4am. Not as much sleep as I wanted... but better than the night before. I will be doing WHATEVER the doctor tells me to do, I promise. I am soooo looking forward to time off, even though we're going to be heading south Thursday morning and I plan to stay overnight at my parents so that Austin can stay overnight at his dad's (his dad live about 45 minutes south of my parents). We'll be back to the mountains by Friday afternoon and I'll have lots of hibernation time. For the next month we don't have Sunday night or Wednesday night Bible studies and although I dearly love my Bible Study groups and my girls.... going to church *only* once a week will help me.
Last night I called my husband about the whole illness thing. I don't know exactly what I expected him to say but ... there is still a part of me that relies on him, his wisdom, his input, his concern, his advice. It's kinda stupid because if there was one aspect of our marriage that he hated, it was when I was sick. He was NOT meant to be a caregiver! But he was kind and remembered that part of my problem in April was that I can't keep antibiodics down... and therefore don't take them all. I have been taking them... not in the morning but at night. The only way to keep from throwing up is to lay perfectly still and I can't do that in the morning. So I need to tell my doctor this... that I'm probably going to need something different.
Sorry to rattle on about this... that's how I blog... whatever is on my mind is what comes out. That gets me in trouble sometimes... but it's just what it is. Someone asked me yesterday how long it takes to write a blog entry... oh... about half an hour... it takes about the same amount of time it would take me to say it. It's just me talkin' to ya. I've had a request to write a book for a friend who has had an interesting real life experience... they don't feel like they're articulate enough to put it down in words so it would be a collaboration. I'm interested. I am not sure that my chatty blog writing style would translate well in a book- but it's worth a shot, I suppose.
Baby Eden, my friends' baby who was born eleven weeks early on 09/28/08 went home this past Monday! She looks amazing and they look delighted! Grandparents are on their way to spend the Thanksgiving holiday...
I have so many blogs I want to visit and comment on... I'm behind. Most of us are, I think. Just *group hug* know that I love you all still and am thinking of you, even when I don't stop by as often.
My goals for the next five days:
48 deviled eggs
trip to Riverdale/Jonesboro/Fayetteville
visit with Mary
visit with A.T.
visit with special friend *wink*
visit with my parents and Cody
get Austin to his dad's for an overnight visit
thrift store shopping for winter/work clothes - I have budgeted $50 for the thrift store - which should get me about 15-20 new articles of clothing
get new tires
get pictures hung at home
get my brother to move the curio cabinet over from their house to mine (they are giving it to me)
get the bookshelf my parents offered me moved up here and set up
do something about curtains
(I want my home to look more homey with Christmas coming!)
start on Christmas food/craft projects - at least conceptually
catch up on blogs
buy sheets for my bed (still don't have sheets!)
help Austin work on a science project (thank you SHERIE!)
find/buy a dresser to get my folded clothes organized
start to sort through my Christmas decorations - the tree will have to wait until next weekend, I think, but I can put the other stuff up
get my Christmas cards done and mailed
I'm sure I'll blog a dozen times over the weekend. Most people get too busy with the 3D people in their lives to blog... I love to blog about the 3d people in my life!
Hope you have a great day!
Posted by Heather at 5:31 AM
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
One last thing... I'm still awake... I found out what our Sunday Service was about... it's a concept called Cardboard Testimonies... basically where people hold up signs that tell what their struggle was.... and then flip it over to show how they had victory over that situation.
Google "cardboard testimonies" and watch a few. I promise you... you will be inspired...
My problem would be narrowing it down to just one sign. I can't watch these videos without tears just streaming down my face.
Go watch... tell me what you think!
Posted by Heather at 9:46 PM
Oh wow. I'm so zonked! It was just a long, long day. Waking up at 1:30am is NOT the way to start the day! But I did it. I made it through the whole day... customers... putting air in my tire (again, I know, I have to get a new tire)... two Thanksgiving dinners... dishes... laundry...and so on and so forth. I don't know how, but I did it!
It was actually a pretty good day. I'm getting a bit concerned about the whole kidney infection issue as I am still in pain and have some of those other little tell-tale signs like... oh, I don't know... fever that keeps coming back... chills... feeling weak and... did I mention pain?... I called the doctor today and they said, "oh yeah... definitely we need to see you before the long holiday weekend". So I have an appointment smack in the middle of the day tomorrow which will be tricky... I'll spend an hour just getting to the doctor and back... but it's better than spending Thanksgiving in the ER.
I have this major "alone-a-phobia" about getting sick. I'm scared that something will happen and nobody will know... like they'll find my cold, decaying body a week later or something. I know this is completely irrational. I missed one Sunday and I had a half dozen emails/calls/etc. I'm unattached but not alone. There's just that idea of sitting in an ER alone.
The really ironic thing in the "My World is So Small" category... I was telling my SIL Angie tonight that I have an appointment tomorrow at 1pm... and she said, "OH! Jim has an appointment at 1:15". With the same doctor! How funny would it have been if we hadn't talked about it! Even in a small town... you'd crack up if your brother had the next appointment after you at the same doctor and you didn't know it! I asked her not to tell him.... Of course... having me as a sister for 40 years... I'm sure there's not much that surprises him.
I'm a bit stressed out about missing work... I emailed Duane and told him and he was not unkind about it... but it's the day before a holiday weekend and it's been really busy this week... and... yeah... I can't afford to miss work. I'm still trying to earn some cha-ching for Christmas money but so far this week we've lost more policies than we've written.
My friend Matt's book came in the mail today and I am forcing myself not to read it tonight. I'm so sleepy that I'm afraid I'll skim over it and not really read it. By the way... go order yourself a copy... www.lulu.com , search for Good Hope by Matthew McCord. You will NOT be disappointed! I'm getting several copies to give as Christmas gifts. I really adore Matt. (when you say that fast it sounds like "a doormat"). He's a sweet, smart, talented, small town southern lawyer and really good guy. Buy his book. *end of marketing ploy*
Today I had lunch with Sarabeth, as planned. They had made homemade butter (which was so good that Angie and I were sneaking from Sarabeth's tray while she wasn't looking!) and homemade cranberry sauce and johnny cakes. The kids had little pilgrim hats and indian feathers and they were so durn cute! School lunch was... eh... school lunch... but it was definitely worth it.
Dinner at church tonight was also worth the trip. There was a huge crowd of people, many more than our normal fellowship meals... but it was good to be a part of things. After all my years of not feeling a part of any church... I'm just happy to be there. I sat with some of the college age kids - or rather, they sat with me! That was nice... Sarabeth came and joined us for dessert. They ran out of pumpkin pie and Austin had snagged himself a piece... and then Sarabeth snagged about half of his pie. He didn't mind... although they did a bit of cutlery sword fighting over it... and then she ate my piece of red velvet cake (which I certainly didn't need!). I told her she needs to call her Pop and tell him she wants some pumpkin pie and she's sure to get some. She just giggled. Six year old girls giggle a lot.
Ok... I'm out of gas. Love and hugs... peace...
Posted by Heather at 7:39 PM
Posted by Heather at 5:18 AM